Latest TODAY column is: Don't drool when watching Miss S'pore
I FEEL so sorry for the contestants of the recent Miss Singapore Universe pageant.
It's hard enough to gather the courage to catwalk elegantly in evening wear without falling on your face, to sashay in swimwear on stage with all your butt fat captured on film forever and to still answer difficult questions on politics and history. All this, while smiling naturally for hours.
But throw in the post-pageant criticism proclaiming the general fall in standards (actually the exact words I have heard so far were, "wah lau eh, that one look like Changi Village Ah Gua, man!"), and then it really starts to bite...
Don't drool when watching Miss S'pore
I feel so sorry for the contestants of the Miss Singapore Universe pageant held recently.
It is hard enough to gather the courage to catwalk elegantly in dubious evening wear without falling on your face, sashay in swimwear on stage with all your butt fat captured on film forever, and still have to answer difficult questions on politics and history. All this, while smiling naturally for hours.
But throw in the post-pageant criticism proclaiming the general fall in standards (actually the exact words I have heard so far were, “wah lau eh, that one look like Changi Village Ah Gua, man!”), and then it really starts to bite.
Must be tough work being a beauty queen. But it is tougher to be a male viewer too. So I thought this week, I would share some tips on how to enjoy your next pageant, without getting dirty looks from your wife (I mean “dirty” in the sense of “angry”).
Firstly, avoid staring too hard during the swimwear segment, especially if your wife is watching with you. Try to be nonchalant and casual about it. Like you are just objectively studying these bikini-clad beauties to assess their poise and elegance, to decide what education stream to put them under.
Say neutral things like “that swimsuit does not look too fitting, hor?”, “I think that colour was not flattering on contestant 5”, and “The air-conditioning in that studio must be quite cold.”
Also, try not to drool. It does not make you look objective.
During the question and answer segment, try not to shout “World Peace!” every time the contestant is about to answer a question. It was only funny in the movie “Miss Congeniality”. If you do, you will not be able to hear the contestants’ intelligent replies, and you will be poorer for it.
You will feel it more the next day, when your colleagues discuss the contestants’ answers by the water cooler, and they are laughing their heads off, and all you can say is, “Oh, I did not hear her say that, because I was shouting ‘World Peace!’ the whole time.”
Also, while I know it is tempting, especially after a few beers with male friends in the house, to make a serious political statement, it is probably unwise to do so. The answer to a question like “If there is one thing you can change in Singapore's history, what would you change?", is not "Change the Government, lah!”
If you want to make election speeches, you should do so as a serious candidate, and preferably without the beer.
Another thing you should not do during a Miss Singapore Universe pageant is to say things like, “Wah piang eh, this kind of standard also can be in Miss Singapore Universe, ah. Eh, dear, I think you join you sure can win one!"
Your wife will not appreciate it, no matter how well meaning you were.
I have also observed that most of the time, we do not remember the pageant contestants’ names. We are a forgetful people. Usually, we can only remember things like the contestant’s number, or some distinguishing feature. So we make comparisons between Contestant 7 and Contestant 9, or we say that “The one who looks like actress Shu Qi” may win, but “The one who looks like Phua Chu Kang’s wife” may not.
Above all, I think we should all be restrained and polite, because it is easy to be armchair critics and make fun of beautiful people who have the courage to enter one of these pageants. Let’s see you take your fat ugly butt up there and parade it in a thong for all to judge.
On second thought, let’s not.
I am sure all the contestants are Sexy, Desirable and Unique, just like DPM Lee said of the Social Development Unit (SDU). Come think of it, I think it would be a great idea to have a Miss SDU pageant, to dispel the myth that the singles in the SDU are Single, Desperate and Ugly.
The winner can get her own reality TV show, “Cross-Eyed for an SDU Guy”, where the reigning Miss Sexy gets to choose from a bunch of SDU men who will eliminate each other until there are two men left standing. And the last two guys will date each other.
Oh wait, cannot. Content like that will result in the “Not Available in All Territories” disclaimer on the show’s trailer. And when the show airs, other countries will get to watch it, while we get to watch some documentary about the use of stunt penguins in film.
And Miss Desirable may also get a chance to make some big bucks as a premium chat line operator. I read that some 1-900 chat lines use paid female operators to call their male customers and pretend to be real friends, because the guys outnumber the girls using these services. Lonely male hearts who need to call chat lines to find “a real friend” will be thrilled to be chatting with a former Miss Unique. I heard that some losers, sorry, socially active guys spend up to $900 dollars a month on chat lines to find girl friends, so it must be profitable.
Heck, for $900 a month, I would be a lonely guy’s beauty queen. I talk you rong rong time, G.I., I be your ger fren, $900 lollar ongri!
Speaking of G.I.s, I hear that the US is considering deploying Marines and special operations troops on high-speed vessels along the Straits of Malacca to deal with terrorists in one of the world's busiest waterways.
So I am wondering, if the Americans start to patrol the Straits of Malacca, will it be renamed The United Straits of Amalacca?
I am all for this increased security, of course. I am willing to pay more for my ferry rides even. Like all of you, I also want World Peace.
mr “Body Beautiful” brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He thinks that the prize of a Slimming package should go to Miss Fat & Cellulite instead of Miss Slim & Sleek.