Singapore National Education Part 98 -- by mr brown
Weeks of 22 Mar 2004 to 7 April 2004
I have also learned lately:
1. That my estate is now graced by big-assed signboards that welcome me to my big-assed GRC (which stretches from Aljunied to Simei), complete with big-assed photos of my MPs.
Wah, so everyday I can feel warm and fuzzy inside, knowing that I have seen the faces of my MPs.
"WELCOME TO ALJUNIED GRC! WE ARE YOUR MPS! YES ALL FIVE OF US! ALTHOUGH ELECTION IS NOT HERE YET, WE STILL WANT YOU TO REMEMBER OUR FACES, AND WE WILL DO IT BY PLASTERING OUR FACES BIG BIG ALL OVER YOUR ESTATE, SO YOU CANNOT MISS IT! NO, WE ARE NOT SHOUTING, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?"
2. That the US is considering deploying Marines and special operations forces on high speed vessels along the Straits of Malacca to flush out terrorists in one of the world's busiest waterways.
So will the Straits of Malacca will be renamed "United Straits of Amalacca"?
3. That we may have just witnessed three of Indonesia's Stupidest Armed Robbers.
Here are three dangerous robbers:
a. armed with two pistols and a shotgun, and a motorised sampan;
b. who just committed two robberies in Malaysia for some handphones and money;
c. who eluded the Malaysian police and coast guard;
d. and of all the islands surrounding Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore;
e. chose to land on Pulau Tekong, belonging to the most kiasu country in the world;
f. which also happens to be home to Singapore's Military training school;
g. and become a live training exercise for 700 of the country's most elite soldiers (Guardsmen and Ghurkhas) and special forces police armed with bullet-proof vests, night vision goggles, assault rifles and helicopters.
They may as well have escaped into Alcatraz. It would have been less painful.
4. That the first robber (Dumb), was caught with some money and 2 handphones. I am sure he and his comrades-in-crime (Dumber and Dumberest), knew they had landed on the wrong island when their stolen handphones displayed: "Welcome to M1" and "Welcome to Singtel".
"Alamak, wrong pulau!"
5. That it took 700 of Singapore's best troops to hunt down 3 armed robbers. I am glad it was not a larger posse, or we would have run out of soldiers to deploy.
6. That it is a bad idea to be armed robbers and hide on an island belonging to most gun-intolerant country in the world. Yep, no National Rifle Association lobby here in good ole Singapore.
"And for possessing a used bullet casing and brandishing a toy gun that looks too much like a real gun in a robbery, we hereby sentence you to DEATH! TWICE!"
7. That before you pretend to use mr brown's name in vain, and pretend to be him, make sure you do not try it on mr brown's sister-in-law, who knows mr brown personally.
Small small world, man.
8. That an online forum is probably not a good place to ask for love advice.
"And she told me she no longer love her boyfriend anymore, only sex with him when needed. The important question is i really really can't figure out whether she likes me. That is a few very important question i need to ask here: 1) Can a lady french-kiss a guy like say today, and one week later french kiss her boyfriend again?"
"Quite possibly she's given her bf a blow job before french kissing you."
Ewwww. Ptui ptui ptui!
9. That on the blackboard of my favourite Malay rice stall near my office, "Today's Special" is "No Noodles".
10. That the way to impress your wife on her birthday is to take her to a swanky western restaurant where they sell Australian Wagyu beef for $200 a pop, and proceed to place the pepper grinder on her plate of butter, and then when she asks for pepper, you pick up the salt shaker and turn the head.
Smooth, brown, real smooth.
11. That apparently, people are shunning the new 5-room flats in areas like Sengkang and Punggol because they are too far away, too expensive and too big.
And all this while, I thought it was because they were too far away, too expensive and too small for that price. Silly me.
12. That you know your nickname has become a real one when your mother tells you that there really is a Bukit Brown in Singapore, "you know, brown, as in your name".
Bukit Brown is a cemetary, by the way.
13. That you know you have grown too attached to your handphone when you leave the house without it and feel like you are unplugged from the Matrix.
So if someone calls you, and you do not have your handphone with you, do you still exist?
14. That to go into the Sports school you must be Express Stream (anything lower than that is case-by-case), to go Uniquely Singapore casino you must be higher economic class or foreigner, and now to go the new Arts school you must have good grades and be able to pay $500 a month in fees (non-Express Stream kids is case-by-case).
That way, if you cannot find work as a practictioner of the Arts in Singapore, you can always depend on your good grades to get a regular job like everyone else.
"One of Singapore's best contemporary artists, Vincent Leow, 42, said he would certainly not qualify for the school, which was given the green light by Parliament a fortnight ago. He was from the technical stream.
Nor would Cultural Medallion winner Chua Ek Kay. The president of Lasalle-SIA College of the Arts, Professor Robert Ely, noted that Chua, who was admitted with 'hardly any qualifications', now holds a master's degree in visual arts from the University of Western Sydney, Australia." -ST 30 Mar 2004
The new Singapore streamlined school system: Express Stream and Case-by-case Stream.
15. That a lady received lewd calls and obscene SMSes after she gave out flyers looking for her missing pet dog.
Look you pervs, she is looking for her doggie, not looking for some doggie.
And if you pervs used your own handphones to SMS or call her, you're not very smart, are you? How do you spell "busted by the police"?
16. That research has shown that music downloads do not kill CD sales. Oh no, who is the music industry going to blame for their dismal sales now?
How about lousy product?
"A study of file-sharing's effects on music sales says online music trading appears to have had little part in the recent slide in CD sales. For the study, released Monday, researchers at Harvard University and the University of North Carolina tracked music downloads over 17 weeks in 2002, matching data on file transfers with actual market performance of the songs and albums being downloaded. Even high levels of file-swapping seemed to translate into an effect on album sales that was 'statistically indistinguishable from zero,' they wrote." -CNET 30 Mar 2004
17. That when you are trudging through the jungles of Tekong looking for some armed robbers, and you suddenly have to retrieve and important PC file, you will be so glad you bought the SWISSMEMORY USB Victorinox, the Swiss Army knife with its own USB drive. For the prepared cyber-warrior of the future!
Eh, how come this Angsana tree does not come with a USB port, ah? This one is low end Pentium 1 tree only ah?
18. That in recent radio commercials trying the sell their unsold Sengkang 5-room flats, one of the selling points touted was that they were "conveniently located near BuangKok MRT station". (Thanks Tony!)
They never said anything about the station being operational or open, so I guess it is still a true statement.
"Our exciting selection of 5-room flats are conveniently located near BuangKok MRT station, which will open once enough of you buy our flats! So what are 5000 of you waiting for?"
19. That some chatline companies are hiring women to pretend to be your friend. This is because the number of men who sign up for chatlines usually outnumber the women.
Technician Peter Kong, 21, was disappointed that the $900 a month he spends on chatlines may not have given him a real friend, but a phone operator.
"I don't want someone who is paid to talk to me,' he said. 'I'm looking for real friends."
Give me $900 a month, I can be your friend. I talk you long long time, I be your ger fren lah, only 900 lollar, GI!
People who need to spend $900 a month on chatline services to find real friends deserve what they get.
20. That according to new research, sex can make you smart.
Wow, so when you are aroused, your body's most important sex organ really gets bigger. Now if I can convince my wife that my suggestions for increased activity are purely academic.
"Sex makes you clever
Sex stimulates the brain and makes people more intelligent, according to a top German researcher.
Werner Habermehl, from the Hamburg Medical Research Institute, says that regular sexual intercourse promotes intelligence." -Ananova.com
21. That research has shown road rage is bad for your health. I agree, especially when you get beaten into a pulp by a bigger driver.
According to the research, the initial aggressive stimulation is very bad for your system. Actually, when you already have hyper-tension or high blood pressure, getting mad behind the wheel at the other guy only kills you faster, and does nothing to the jerk who just yanked your chain.
So the next time someone horns you at the traffic lights for not moving off fast enough (like that split second after the lights turned green), don't get mad, get Zen.
Smile, relax, and drive off really really slowly. It is better for your health.
"Road rage is bad - for your own health
Adrenaline and stress hormones are stimulated during 'fight or flight' situations, harming the body over time
LONDON - Research in the United States has confirmed what many people may have suspected: Road rage is very dangerous to your own health." -ST 2 April 2004
22. That some people have said that the recent Miss Singapore Universe (MSU) contest standards have dropped. I think they are too harsh. Aside from a few that looked like men, and a few others that looked like Thai transvestites, I think overall the standards were quite ok what. But what do I know, I am just an "ignorant" viewer.
My dad was looking at the contest on tv and shaking his head sadly at the same time." -Sammyboy Forum
"But the winner, Miss Chua, was unfazed by the negative comments.
She said detractors of the contest are 'ignorant' and that the image of beauty pageants and the contestants cannot be changed within a year or two." -ST 4 April 2004
23. That even watching beauty contests can be a platform for political expression, especially after a few beers.
From sammy's forum:
I was almost falling asleep during the Miss Singapore/Universe
contest when I heard this question: 'If there is one thing you can change in Singapore's history, what would you change?'
All the beer drinking chums I was with, stood up and said in unison: 'Change the government LAH!!!.' "-Sammyboy Forum
24. That the prize for the Miss Slim subcategory in MSU was a slimming voucher.
25. That the boss of Ikea is now the richest man in the world, and not Bill Gates.
26. That there are some things you just do not say during Miss Singapore Universe. No matter how well-meaning.
Wrongest Things to Say During a Miss Universe Show #121: "Wah lau, this kind of standard also can be in Miss Singapore Universe, ah. Eh, dear, I think you join you sure can win one!"
Confirmed get "Dirty Look During a Miss Universe Show #241".
27. That if you were a company called Powergen and you had a subsidiary that operated in Italy, you probably should not call your subsidiary Powergenitalia.
28. That William Hung's new CD is already available for download on pirate sites. It is called "Inspiration". When you have no talent, inspiration makes up for it, I suppose.
And 20 hours after its release, more than 4000 people have already downloaded it.
There are a lot of sick sick people out there.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 2004)