Latest TODAY column is: Is it time to put the LRT out of its misery?
Excerpt:
If the Bukit Panjang LRT was a horse, they'd have shot it by now. Twice.
I am sorry for insulting crippled and dying horses with that statement. But, I think there comes a time in a Light Rail's life — when it cannot give the kiddies proper rides anymore — that the only humane thing to do is to put it out of its misery.
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Full column:
Is it time to put the LRT out of its misery?
If the Bukit Panjang LRT was a horse, they'd have shot it by now. Twice.
I am sorry for insulting crippled and dying horses with that statement. But, I think there comes a time in a Light Rail's life — when it cannot give the kiddies proper rides anymore — that the only humane thing to do is to put it out of its misery.
I read that the SMRT was going to give out a $500 set of five commemorative ez-link cards to the 60 millionth LRT passenger to show its appreciation to commuters for using the line through the "challenging times in the earlier years".
I guess now the cards will be given to show its appreciation to commuters for using the line through the "challenging times in the earlier years and also, er, now".
For those of you who think that residents in Bukit Panjang were upset by the inconvenience, I have been told that it is not the case. This is because every time the LRT breaks down, they get to ride on a free emergency shuttle bus service. With real drivers too.
The LRT, if you recall, was a driverless light rail built to replace feeder buses. And who did they turn to when the trains did not work? Ding-ding! You got the answer correct. Feeder buses. I bet those buses made redundant by the LRT are sniggering now.
“What? Sorry? I didn’t hear what you said. Can you speak louder? You want us to go back and pick up all your passengers stranded at the LRT stations? Can! Wait I finish my kopi first,” Mr Feeder Bus would say, if feeder buses could talk.
My theory is that the LRT was designed as a secret training ground for LRT bus drivers, to test their ability to deploy bus routes on very short notice. It is a stroke of genius, because now, when there is a new license for another bus company, the LRT folks can apply for it on the basis of their bus expertise.
LRT Bus Driver, you’d think that is an oxymoron.
I hear they are going back to look at the system again, to audit it to see where the faults are. I say the solution is easier. Put some drivers back into the trains. That way, if the driverless system breaks down, the backup human driver can take over. And if that does not work, the human driver can still come out and push the train to the next station.
Just like those office phone systems, where you call up an organization and the first thing you hear is a very expensive answering machine.
“Please press 1 for Sales, press 2 for Support, and press the Star key if you want to be put on hold for 15 minutes before you get to talk to a real human person. Thank you.”
In those cases, the human operator is only a backup, in case the computerized answering machine cannot help the customer. Same thing here, have backup LRT train drivers. No train computer needs to fear losing his job here, we’re just putting some backup humans in place.
Although the Bukit Panjang residents are happily getting free bus rides, I still feel sorry for them. Imagine having to advertise your flat as “High floor, no blockage, no where even near the LRT.” as a selling point.
“Oh sorry, I cannot offer a higher price for your flat, it is next to the LRT station.”
Speaking of higher prices, recently, in the spirit of the Cut Waste Panel, some members of the public have suggested that senior civil service officials and senior military commanders should not get to use big and expensive cars. Some have suggested that these senior people should use their own cars instead, or at least be given non-luxury marques.
According to Mindef, military commanders need the cars to rush back to camp or anywhere else in an emergency, and to make their presence felt among their men.
It said: “An easily identifiable car helps to communicate the commander's presence. The presence of the car informs the troops that their commander is now with them even as they carry out their training and operational duties.”
I personally don’t think you need a big-ass luxury car to rush back and make your presence felt. Just take one of the army Land Rovers, put in a Turbo engine, paint the Land Rover camouflage pink, and stick on a pair of bunny ears on the roof. I guarantee you that you will get to any emergency fast, and the troops will see you coming long before you get there.
“Eh, quick, look busy! It is the pink Land Rover with the bunny ears! CO lai liao! (has arrived)”
I am being silly, of course. Military commanders need to have dignified cars to command the respect of their men. You want a car that the other cars in the car park will salute when it pulls into the camp.
So do away with the undignified bunny ears, but keep the turbo engine and the pink camouflage.
Of course, the next time you go for reservist (or whatever they are calling it these days), do swing by the Division Commander’s Audi and tell him how nice his car looks, and ask Sir if he is enjoying the car your taxes are paying for. Sure get long weekend one. Maybe even a field promotion.
I am assuming that in a real war situation, the same commander will not be driving his luxury car into the jungle. First of all, it would get stuck in the mud. Secondly, the bushes and trees will totally screw up the paintwork. And most importantly, the same car will also make his presence felt by enemy snipers.
“Sir! How we know which is the Singapore senior officer?”
“Don’t worry, Corporal, just everybody aim the only civilian luxury car in the jungle!”
I think that if we really want to save more money, make the commanders take the LRT. In fact, I reckon that if enough senior government officials were made to forego their cars to take the LRT everyday, maybe it will decide break down less often.
That, or we will have to take LRT outside and shoot it.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He thinks that the LRT tracks will make a great water theme park, “Bukit Panjang Wet ‘N Wild”.
