TODAY: Excuse me, your cup doth runneth over

Latest TODAY column: Excuse me, your cup doth runneth over

Excerpt:

As you know, I like to keep up with the local news. This story caught my eye: A customer at a local lingerie shop bought two sale-priced Wonderbras. One of the push-up bras developed a wardrobe malfunction and started leaking oil.

The oil ruined the woman's blouse, gave her an itch and pretty much ruined her day.

What's worse, when she called the shop, a salesgirl told her the shop was aware of the defect and that this was why the bras were on sale.

But in line with the Lingerie Industry Code of Ethics with Regard to Bra Oil Leaks, the helpful salesgirl offered the customer an exchange.

Unsatisfied and needing to get it off her chest, the customer complained to the press.

This brings to mind a Hok-kien phrase: Ai pee, ai chee, ai tua liap nee (Want cheap, want fresh, want, er, large juicy fruit).

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Full column:


Excuse me, your cup doth runneth over

As you know, I like to keep abreast of the local news, and the following story caught my eye. A customer of a local lingerie shop bought two Wonderbras on promotion from the shop, and one of the push-up bras developed wardrobe malfunction, and leaked oil onto her.

The oil ruined her blouse, gave her an itch, and pretty much ruined her day.

What made it worse was when she called the shop, the salesgirl told her that they were aware of the defect, and that is why the bras were on promotion. But following the Lingerie Industry Code of Ethics with Regards to Bra Oil Leaks, the helpful salesgirl offered her an exchange.

So this lady customer complained to the press, to get it off her chest.

It brings to mind a Hokkien phrase: “Ai pee, ai chee, ai tua liap nee” (Want cheap, want fresh, want, er, large juicy fruits).

I wonder what other defects would warrant a promotion from this shop. Say, if only one side of a Wonderbra works, and you end up one big one small (like 4D), do you get 50% off?

I kind of pity the customer also because now that she has written to the press, with her name and everything, her friends are going to be asking her awkward questions like, “Are you okay? Today got leak or not?” or “Small never mind, we still support you.”

And (former) male admirers will be less than impressed now that they know her assets had help. They will no longer need to stare at her and Wonder. In fact, they will stare and say No Wonder.

One of the most common problems that indicate poor bra selection is “Spillage”. That is when your breasts spill over the top or sides of your bra. In these cases, you need to increase the band and/or cup size.

With this incident, women will have to watch for another kind of “Spillage”. When you see oil spill over the top or sides of your bra, you need to call the Singapore Oil Spill Response Centre (SOSRC). Call them immediately and tell them that your cups runneth over. They will send their rescue vessels.

I think we should seriously look at this push-up bra situation. I did not know they used oil. Will it harm the environment? Will little penguins and cute dolphins die if too many women dispose of their Wonderbras wrongly?

Perhaps we need to have more R&D into safer push-up materials. I remember in the old days, there were these very expensive track shoes, called The Pump, which you could pump up with air for a better fit.

I have not seen that technology used in bras yet (but I may be wrong, I don’t spend much time delving in the world of push-up bra technology). No more leaky bras or unevenly placed pads. Just a few presses of the patented quick release valve, and you will get to the size you need.

And the Pump-Me-Up™ Bra (that’s my name for it) can also double as a pair of lifesavers, in case you are shipwrecked from your casino cruise ship and you need to float. In the event of an emergency, pull the red tabs smartly outwards to inflate fully, and you can also blow into the tubes provided to further inflate your Pump-Me-Up™.

The Pump-Me-Up™ (patent pending) will also be equipped with a red safety light on the front of each cup (the Headlights™), which will blink to provide rescuers with a better chance of spotting you.

You can also turn your Headlights™ on if you are in a disco, and you want to stand out from the dancing and hip crowd. Wear white for a better effect.

Fortunately, men don’t buy WonderBriefs to enhance their assets below. The only push-ups we know are from National Service.

An oil leak down there will be extremely messy. If you really need enhancement, I recommend stuffing your underwear with socks. They are cheap, contain no harmful chemicals, and they also keep you warm. Try to get pure wool socks, or you might itch.

Speaking of huge, has anyone noticed the huge erection at Chinatown? Is that a huge Cock or what? Oh sorry, Rooster. And that Rooster is not just huge, it is sitting on eggs and spinning round and round. What a helpful Rooster, keeping the eggs warm while his wife, Mrs Hen, is out buying bras and other New Year goodies.

If you don’t believe me, go to Chinatown and look (but don’t touch).

Fortunately, this Rooster (okay, I will stop saying Cock), looks like it is a Chinese one. Unlike the Singapore Lion, the new one which is a cross between Chinese, Indian and Malay cultures. Some people are still arguing if it is male or female (the eyelashes are confusing) and others are wondering why only three races are represented, when Singapore clearly has four races — Chinese, Indian, Malay and Others.

No name has been given yet to the new Singapore Lion. I suggest “Rojak Lion”, because it is a healthy mix of our races and cultures, like the tasty salad we all know and love. Racial harmony, as we all know, means trying to mix cultures together into some icon. Just like Rojak, full of healthy vegetables and is not oily.

Unlike some discount bras.

mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He recommends sending your push-up bras for a thorough checkup and oil change if necessary, to ensure smooth operation.