mrbrown: L'infantile terrible of Singapore

Rejection lines and what the girl really means

Found this list of rejection lines from Charlotte's web. The "brother" and the "friends" lines sure bring back many a bad memory from teenagehood. Excuse me while I go to one corner and weep...sob:

Not familiar with rejection lines? Here's what we really mean. So get a hint, ok, guys? Seesh.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that f**king pest. And I'm not into incest either.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest freak I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (He's my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Actually, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have fun with. It's that male perspective thing)

Nerds make better lovers

A comment found in the Slashdot post, "Nerds Make Better Lovers" (via del.icio.us)


HER DIARY:

Saturday, May 21st 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday, May 21st 2005

Apple switched to Intel.

Absolutely gutted.

Got a shag though.

Dilbert quotes contest

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards Executive)


via rx78ntx who got it via Inderjit Singh SOPS (whoever that is, heh)

Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You

How do you know if your boss is actually spying on you? Here are a few starters that might be of help:

Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.

The bracelet he gave you for Christmas blinks if you leave your work station/ cubicle.

Your name:"Ivan." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Ivan"

Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias"

Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.

When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.

There seem to be a blinking red light inside the smoke detector.

The fax machine just coughed.

Shamelessly taken from Ivan's blog

You Are Your Choice Of Poison

What you drink says a lot about you... (via Insaintly Yours)

If Women drink...

Beer

Personality:
Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach:
Challenge her to a game of pool.



Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality:
Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach:
Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Funny Classifieds

Allegedly Taken From Classified Ads in Newspapers:

1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

Signs that lead to misunderstanding

1. In a restroom:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

April Fool's attempt: Nice try but no banana

Nice try, "Mike Landreu". But Uncle is not so easily kena by April Fool's pranks one. Next time try it with an email address that is not Hotmail, for starters.

But a fun read nonetheless. Heh.

-------------------

For Immediate Release (Can be publised freely on blogs and other media)

NEW COMPANY TO BUY SINGAPORE TOP BLOGS

San Jose, Calif - April 1 2005 - A new company invested by top VCs is out to buy the top blogs in Asia. First stop will be Singapore. Known as The Blog Company, it will be commencing negotiations with Singapore's top bloggers in the next few weeks.

Funded by some of the U.S's top VC firms, The Blog Company said that Asia is very big in its plans. CEO and founder, Alex Gayne said that the firm has spent the last few months identifying Singapore's top bloggers. He said, "We have a good idea on the type of blogs that we are interested in Singapore. We have decided on five." The big five he says are Xiaxue, IZ Reloaded, Popagandhi, Mr Brown and Mr Miyaki.

"I think here we have the top 5 bloggers in Singapore. We are not in a position to reveal about our plans with these 5 bloggers at this time but I can confirm that we will be talking to them real soon," said Mr Gayne. He explaned the company's choices, "We are looking for the best. And here we have the best. The likes of IZ Reloaded with 10,000+ readers a day, Xiaxue 8,000+ and Mr Brown 4,000+  shows that we are dealing with high traffic sites here."

Margaret Long, a partner at investment firm First Equities who invested in The Blog Company says that she and others believe in the company's blog strategy. "I think what we have here is a unique company with a unique strategy. Blogs are beginning to show that they are not just a place where someone will write his/her diary but it is more than just that. The Blog Company aims to make this a real profitable venture."

Contact
Mr Michael Landreu
Press Enquiries

Technorati tags: aprilfool, aprilfoolsday

Shit Happens, according to various World Religions

Warning: the following joke is not suitable for people who cannot laugh at anything religious.

via anantya

Taoism: Shit happens
Hare krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: That shit happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, "Shit happens"
Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again & again & again
Judaism: Oy vey! Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit!
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit

Bad hair day

via Hikikomori at Cowboy's Bar


A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her.  "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."