Singapore National Education Part 13
For those of you curious about what other people meant when they said, "Hey! Look at where Darryl David put his hand in the November issue of Women's Weekly!", here is the cover...
We just had to get that off our chest.
(Check out mr & mrs brown's magazine cover!)
mrs brown and myself decided that we should also have a somewhat less controversial but infinitely sillier magazine cover of our own to grace this website.
You could say that we are quite drama, one, mrs b and I
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much S**T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S**T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S**T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the S**T you can handle.
Contributed by Jas
This was circulating at the time when the US could not decide who should be the next President. We believe it was a secret memo that later got deleted when Americans finally decided. -brown
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 98.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 1.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby Sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Contributed by Jas
You have paid enough rent to buy a moderate-sized North American or European town.
All your friends are now living in London, New York, Singapore or Paris.
At the movies, you take bets on the number of phones that go off during the performance.
In a crowd or a queue, you learnt to stay away from frail-looking old ladies carrying umbrellas.
You seriously considered taking up golf.
You have stopped noticing the grotesquely deformed leper on the Exchange Square flyover.
Your building's security guard is 4 times older than the building itself.
You feel a compulsion to take exams.
165 decibels is a normal noise level for lunchtime conversation.
It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window.
Thanks to karaoke, you know who has the most singing talent in your building. Not that this is a great achievement.
You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
Pink bathroom tiles can make any building or public garden beautiful.
You believe shopping and eating are the only forms of entertainment in HongKong.
Queuing in the rain in a diesel-choked Kowloon backstreet to buy a HK$6 Hello Kitty plastic doll at a McDonald's store is not the mark of an insane person.
A PhD in Nuclear Physics fluent in 7 languages irons your socks for apittance but she is from the Philippines so it's all right.
All the clothes you own are tailor-made or come from Giordano.
You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown.
Drilling on the walls in the wee small hours in the morning is considered acceptable behaviour.
You learnt to bring a coat, a scarf and gloves to fight hypothermia in supermarkets, buses, ferries and cinemas.
Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat.
You are not surprised to see 85-year old ladies pushing tons of garbage up the streets of the financial district.
You are not surprised to find footprints on the edge of the toilet bowl.
You believe you are really tall when you are only 5'8".
You read this list and understood everything.
Contributed by Josephine (yes, she is from HK)
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods :
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.