mrbrown.com

How to Write Good by Sally Bulford

(reprinted without permission from somewhere)

Top Ten List: No Sex Please, We're Singaporeans

From the Home Office at the Istana, here's the Top Ten List.

Top Ten reasons why there are no Sex Scandals in Singapore

Bubba is in trouble over his sexual liaisons - again! Gary Hart got torpedoed by a sex scandal. JFK was rumoured to be linked with MM. So how come the American leaders have all the fun? Why aren't there any sex scandals involving our political leaders? Let's find out.

Heeeeeere we go:

Top Ten List: The New Look Straits Times

From the Home Office at Times House, here's the top ten list. The category today:

Top Ten new features of New Look Straits Times

You might have heard, the Straits Times is coming out with a new look, a cleaner look. Better paper, better ink. Same crappy news. Go figure. Anyway, the new look was introduced to a select few at a preview. This is what they found out...

Heeeeeeere we go:

Spice Up Your Life

The Top 15 Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application


15. In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.

14. Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your hooters?

Why Singaporean Speak Better English

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that Singaporeans and Britons use to say the same thing:

 

Dealing with Customers...

Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

S'poreans: No Stock!

Top Ten List: Reform School

From the Home Office in Busang, here's tonight's Top Ten List.

Top Ten Economic Reforms IMF wants to see for Indonesia.

The whole region is tense. Indonesia is on the brink. IMF, the International Meddlers Federation, wants Indonesia to stick to the reforms agreed upon as part of the economic rescue package. What's in the deal, here's the list.

Heeeeeeere we go:

Top Ten List: The Bond Franchise

From the Home Office in Pinewood Studios, here's the Top Ten List.

Top Ten reasons why Scholars are breaking their bonds.

If you've got what it takes, break free. Bondage is just too kinky. Make love, not bonds. Top ten reasons to break that bond.

Heeeeeere we go:

Worst Analogies Ever

Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Microsoft Cars

Top Ten Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business


10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt-size.

9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

Top Ten List: No Comment, and Don't Quote Me

From the Home Office at Jurong Island, here's the Top Ten List. Tonight's category,

Top Ten Quotes by Philip Yeo.

Apparently when the Chief of the EDB invites you to tea, you might just get involved in a storm in an EDB cup. So who is this Philip Yeo anyway? Man or Monster? Civil Servant or Uncivil Servant? Let him speak for himself, here we have quotes from him.

Heeeeere we go:

Top Ten List: No Comment, and Don't Quote Me

From the Home Office at Jurong Island, here's the Top Ten List. Tonight's category,

Top Ten Quotes by Philip Yeo.

Apparently when the Chief of the EDB invites you to tea, you might just get involved in a storm in an EDB cup. So who is this Philip Yeo anyway? Man or Monster? Civil Servant or Uncivil Servant? Let him speak for himself, here we have quotes from him.

Heeeeere we go:

The X'mas Files

57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH

Mulder: We're too late! It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone ... or something.

Top Ten List: How to Make a Singaporean Quit

From the Home Office at Caldecott Broadcast Centre, here's the Top Ten List.

Top Ten Reasons why TCS stars are quitting.

Do we really want to know? We do? Okay.

Heeeeeere we go

Children of the Eighties

An article which brings back lots of fond memories...

We are children of the 80s.

The 80s... it was a time when all we sang were Michael Jackson's "Beat It" and "Billy Jean" and "We Are The World" was the best song in the universe. Lionel Richie's "Dancing on the Ceiling" was the coolest MTV, and we didn't understand all the fuss about Madonna's iron tits. Cyndi Lauper and Boy George were the weirdest looking people around. Tiffany was every boy's dream girl and Tommy Page was the guy every girl wanted to marry, until New Kids on the Block. London Boys' dance routines were the best, and Johnny Hates Jazz "I Don't Want To Be A Hero" was the song we swore by.

The Height of Journalism

Here are some classic moments in journalism that would have made Sonny Lim of "In Conversation" proud:



Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"

Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)

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"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

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"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)

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Life Lessons

"Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Look to tomorrow. Rest this afternoon."
-Snoopy

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
-Age 6

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
-Age 7

Crossed Examinations

Or Why Some Lawyers Are Better Off Leaving the Profession

 

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Men's 45 Rules for Women

Warning: Slightly R(A)

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the toilet seat UP when you are done so that any leftover drops dribble into the bowl.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried Stuff, Beer, and Red.

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

Top Ten List: One Flu Over the Chicken's Nest

From the Home Office in Hong Kong where everything's gone wrong, here's tonight's Top Ten List.

Top Ten Signs you may be suffering from the dreaded Chicken Flu.

As a public service announcement, sometime last year we put out a top ten list of symptoms of the Mad Cow Disease. So from the same people who brought you that top ten list, here's the slightly revised, blatantly imitated, and mostly unoriginal top ten signs you may be suffering from the dreaded Chicken Flu.

Top Ten List: The Uses of EMAS

From the Home Office at Sennett MRT Station, here's the Top Ten List.

Top Ten ways the Electronic Monitoring and Advisory System (E.M.A.S.) would be used.

You've seen the signs. It coming up. Why? Do we need it? What can it tell us. Wonder no more.

Heeeeeere we go: