Singapore National Education Part 23
I have also learned lately:
1. That every year, when Christmas comes around, every artiste under the sun seems to be cutting a Christmas album, even rabid, vegetable-worshipping, chicken head-eating Rock singers.
2. That Bruce Willis said that with the many costume changes he had to do in his latest movie "The Jackal" (he played a bad guy who had to do many costume changes), it was like working in a circus. Well, Bruce, after looking at the ridiculous wigs you put on in that movie, I have to agree. You looked like a bloody clown.
3. That we finally get some real feedback about Suzhou from our very own Senior Minister, instead of the usual song-and-dance we got in the past from government officials. SM was said to be unhappy over the Suzhou park progress. Loosely translated into non-political, everyday, layman's English, this would mean SM Lee was "major pissed" with things there.
Because when he expresses stuff like unhappiness in public, you sure don't want to be in the same postal code, much less the same room as him.
4. That Wong Lilin in "Rising Expectations" as the poor little rich girl who leaves her wealthy home for an independent, self-sufficient life, manages to get, for $300 a month, a "run-down" flat with at least 6 bedrooms, judging from the number of doors counted in one of the scenes. This is despite the fact that, in real life, $300 would barely get you a shared bedroom in a Singapore 3-room HDB flat.
Must be the collapsing property market we have been hearing about.
5. That the incident with the Myanmar guy assaulting the Cathay Pacific pilot just before they were about to land in Bangkok happened on Tuesday 25th November, but we got the news in our Straits Times on Wednesday 3rd of December, eight days later. Talk about a massive time zone difference.
6. That when your newspaper is presented in 19 sections, you create more front pages for which to charge advertisers for.
"Every Page a Front Page! Every Page a Fun Page! Every Page a Fund Page!" would be the new slogan.
7. That the Asian TV Awards are back. I suggest that "AM Singapore" and "Shiver" be nominated for the Best Comedy series. They would win hands down.
8. That in Malaysia, the ministers are taking a 10% pay cut.
Even in Singapore, in the light of the present economic crisis, common folk will be losing their jobs, losing their bonuses, and taking a pay cut. Except perhaps some of the highest-paid in the land. After all, good brains are hard to come by.
And the silence is deafening.
9. That I am not alone in thinking that Philip Mah in "AM Singapore" looks like Mr Bean.
10. That it is a minor miracle how Philip Mah can sit the way he does, leaning one side with one elbow resting on one knee, and not have his leg go the way of his delivery, you know, like, dead.
11. That in Starship Troopers, it is the far future, and mankind has developed the technology to build ships that can travel light-years across galaxies to reach some alien insects' homeworld, so that they can pelt the big bad bugs with machine guns.
12. That at approximately 8.30am, Wednesday, 10th December, a monkey was seen riding a white dog heading towards the city on the ECP. And the first question on the minds of all the motorists who saw it or heard about it on Class 95's morning show was, did the monkey display the correct RPS license?
And the second question was, has the monkey installed his ERP device yet?
13. That regarding the monkey riding the dog into town, another Class 95 listener suspects that the dog is not a regular mutt but possibly a Rover (rim shot).
14. That 314 lucky guys will only pay $50 for their Cat 3 COE this month, instead of the usual tens of thousands. Just last month it was $64,000. My heart bleeds for the amount of money lost (314 multiplied by $63,950 = Intense Pain) by the LTA this merry month of December. Now they will have less money to whatever it is they do with COE money.
15. That in the light of the $50 COE, I move that next month, everybody bids no more than $51 for any Category. Then we'll see some serious poo poo hit the fan. This can work, people.
Then again, this could all be the work of the car dealerships, true demand and supply be damned. Then dare I suggest a pay-as-you-bid system again?
16. That Malaysia's fight against economic crisis and declining tourist arrivals reached a climax recently when the circumcision of young Muslim boys was suggested as a possible tourist attraction.
"Come to Malaysia, the Land of smiles, breathtaking scenery and little boys having their willies snipped!"
And you thought the Thailand Sex Tours were too much.
17. That regarding the suggestion to make circumcision a tourist attraction in Malaysia, may I suggest calling it "The Lorena Bobbit Tour of Lurve".
18. That having circumcision as a tourist attraction will certainly bring in the kind of tourists Malaysia has been missing out on, like paedophiles and assorted sickos. Sell season tickets.
19. That "AM Singapore" featured a segment on the GSM 1800 aka PCN aka "Pui Chao Nua" cellular phone network and they mentioned that the biggest complaint about the network was the lack of countries supporting PCN Auto-roaming . Hello? When did that question ever come up?
No, people, the biggest complaint about the network is the poor coverage and dropped calls. In other words, what we would all like to know is, "Does PCN still suck real loud under the new name?"
But of course we cannot have this kind of honesty on National TV, much less "AM Singapore". That would be unethical.
20. That in Brussels, the European Parliament has just banned newspaper photographers and television crew from taking pictures of its members' new offices. This is because of the row over new shower facilities installed in the new offices costing taxpayers 409,396 Belgian francs ($18,200) for each shower. Yes, you heard right, $18,000 shower stalls.
It's nice to know they also have sleazoid, overcharging contractors over in Europe too. We are not alone. So when you are renovating your home and having a cow over your rising renovation expenses, think of the EU.
21. That I think this whole European Parliament shower fracas could have been avoided if they had given the contract to Phua Chu Kang, who is, as we all know, best in Singapore, Johor, and some say even Batam. "Oi Revoi" ("Au Revoir"), "Siao!" ("Ciao") and all that.
22. That you know you are leaving singlehood behind and embracing the domestication of marriage life when you start to worry if there is enough fabric softener left. And you're a guy.
23. That you know the two of you are ready for marriage when your girlfriend tells you that your jokes are not as funny as they used to be. Time to join us in the trenches, Ming.
24. That you know you are in trouble when the two MCs for your upcoming wedding, who are themselves already married and hence untouchable, are already discussing and researching ways to embarrass you on your Big Day more than 10 months away.
By the time they are done, they'd have enough material for a book.
25. That Singtel Magix would have us believe that it is good value to pay $3 per hour to watch less-than-recent movies and missed local television programs on our huge, large-screen 15-inch computer monitors. Wow, sign me up now.
Copyright 2004 by Lee Kin Mun
