Singapore National Education Part 27
I have also learned lately:
1. That when you are on the phone, especially if you are a lady, do not say, "Hold on, ah, I make him come on the phone."
2. That despite what you may think of our recent Micropolis debacle (a S$560 million loss in one year), things could be worse. The Straits Times tells us that a Sabah state firm lost S$32 million in just one week. We feel better already. Our mood has gone from that of "depressed pessimism" to that of "reserved optimism".
3. That the following movies are on TCS's yearly rotation roster:
Demolition Man
Home Alone
Home Alone 2
Total Recall
Cobra
Predator
It is mandatory to show these movies at least once a year or the programming executives will have their limbs chopped off. That explains the frequency with which these movies show up on Holiday and Action Specials.
4. That as a further testimony to the competence of TCS programming (bear with me, I'm on a roll here), their website says that they are showing "The Beast" mini-series at 4pm Saturday, 3th Jan, and for 10th Jan, they are showing the new season of Star Trek: The Next Generation (ST:TNG). Teletext says TCS is showing "The Beast" for those two weeks. And 8 Days says ST:TNG was to be shown on the 27th Jan but printed a photo of the crew from Voyager, a Star Trek spinoff.
5tupid.
5. That there are some people who think Sonny Lim of "In Conversation" should be the host of The Pyramid Game, since he already has that pyramid/steeple hand gesture down pat. He could grill the contestants with his penetrating, brash and pseudo-intelligent questions (complete with pyramid hand gesture and smug smirk):
"Have you any regrets in the way you played your last small pyramid?"
"So if you had a chance to do the Lucky Seven again, how would you do it?"
6. That they decided that celebrities and politicians should not be the only ones to enjoy Sonny Lim's cheerful banter. So they let him ask the MI185 victims' loved ones sensitive questions like how many days/months/years do they think it will take to get over their loss.
7. That when one spends tons of money to open two Causeways, it is generally a good idea to spend a little more and employ more Kastam officers to man the booths, instead of taking some guys from the old Causeway to under-man the new one.
8. That Singaporeans now have two Causeways to jam. Enjoy.
9. That Singaporeans will always assume that no one else in the country thought of going to JB via the Second Link on the very first weekend it opens. Singaporeans are very optimistic people.
10. That when a Singaporean reads in the papers that the old Causeway is not so congested the day before, he will promptly rush down there to join the other 50,000 Singaporeans who read the same article too.
11. That for now, the Second Link is toll-free but the CTE is not.
12. That some of you think that the LTA has solved the CTE jams in the morning by making us pay $5 to drive into town via the CTE. Then you obviously have not tried driving through the CTE between 8.30am and 9am.
"But, but, before we introduced RPS, traffic on the CTE was not moving at all. Now they can crawl at 30kmh, on a good day, intermittently. So we did improve traffic flow on the CTE, what."
13. That most Southeast-Asian countries are announcing austere budgets this year because of the region's economic crisis. However, most feel that in one or two years time, when times improve, they should be able to announce a cheerful one.
14. That they now have a new product on TV called "My Real Baby", a kid's baby doll that has realistic baby features, sucks its toes and moves like a real baby. It is supposed to inspire nurturing feelings in the child playing with it. Yippee.
Me, I am waiting for the sequel, "My Real Baby 2" that will take realism even further. The new model will wee wee and poo poo in its nappies (with realistic sounds and smells!) and throw up its lunch all over the owner, just like a real baby. Batteries not included.
That would really get those nurturing feelings going.
15. That our defence budget is capped at 6% of our GDP. This means that this year, we will only be able to afford half a submarine. Either that our we will upgrade one of our existing ships and make it submersible.
"That's not a sinking ship, that's our new submarine!"
16. That our country is at the forefront of recycling. Just take a look at the military hardware we have upgraded and recycled. The AMX-13, A4 Skyhawk, the F5 Tiger, just to name a few. Like I always say, "If it ain't broke, upgrade its avionics."
17. That a tire company is touting its new tires with DONUTS technology. Clever and memorable acronym but hardly confidence-inspiring.
"When I drive with my (fill in the blanks) tires, my tires feel like DONUTS."
"Our DONUTS eat up the road."
"For that firm ride, use DONUTS"
18. That maybe the Wonderbra company will come up with new bras with BAGELS (Big Assets Gained with Even Less Silicone) technology.
"Our BAGELS fill you up!" -Ann Cock (as in "Rooster", of course)
Bagel: A ring-shaped roll with a tough chewy texture.
19. That according to Rosie, wife of Phua Chu Kang, "croissant" (or "kosong"--her reading) is curry puff without the filling. Couldn't have said it better myself.
20. That the guy who cloned sheep now wants to clone humans to help couples have babies. Great, the world needs another person like you and me.
21. That there is this local company that sells $1700 magnetic therapeutic mattresses and expensive crab shell pills to old folks at health sales rallies, open only to old folks, by invitation only, in unmarked offices that have half-closed shutters to keep out the uninvited, and offices that change venue every few months. And this company has the words "Honest" and "Happy" in its name.
Don't look at me like that, I am just stating what I read in the papers, is all.
22. That some people have watched the mega-expensive, mega-long (more than three hours long) movie, Titanic, as many as four times. These are people with some serious bladder problems and a really flat butt.
23. That those of you who think that the SingDollar to US Dollar exchange rate is really bad right now have not taken a look at the exchange rate used by magazine importers even before the currency crises started.
"Let's see now, this American computer magazine costs US$4.95, so factoring my freight costs and the exchange rate of S$1.4 to US$1, this magazine should cost, oh, $15."
24. That in The Straits Times on 9 Jan Friday, next to an article about some Singaporeans stuck with unfinished Johor houses in Gelang Petah (near the Second Link), was a full-page ad proclaiming a new Malaysian condominium project. Is this poor timing or what?
25. That The Straits Times recently published a photo of a former transvestite beauty queen having to do manual labour because of the country's economic problems. The young man(?) was said to be working hard to pay for his necessities in life, one of which is breast implants.
I think that Thailand can get out of this economic mess if it can convince its people that food and lodging are somewhat more important than beauty and breasts.
Copyright 2004 by Lee Kin Mun
