Singapore National Education Part 28 - Titanic Special Edition
Titanic Week of 9 January to 16 January 1998
WARNING! This edition of SNE contains references to and potential spoilers for the movie "Titanic". Do not read any further unless you have already watched the movie or you really think that Leonardo DiCaprio is a wussy pretty boy and you don't plan to watch it because youdon'tknowhatthestoopid #!$@?%*fussisallabout. Gentle reader, you have been warned.
I have also learned lately:
1. That the hauntingly beautiful original movie soundtrack of the movie "Titanic" is sold out in many places. But fans of the movie and its music need not fear, because you will soon hear the music used on some TCS Chinese serial.
Make that _a lot of_ TCS Chinese serials.
2. That I am sure that TCS will use the "Titanic" soundtrack as sensitively as they did the "Dance with Wolves" soundtrack.
3. That I am sure that TCS will use the lilting "Titanic" soundtrack in an appropriately Irish setting like Zoe Tay in a Chinese period drama shot in Kurdistan.
4. That if you plan on watching 'Titanic" with your wife or girlfriend, be sure that after the show, you look like Leonardo DiCaprio.
5. That if you plan on watching 'Titanic" with your wife or girlfriend, you had better be prepared to die for her after the show. Or at least be prepared to say you are willing to.
6. That the name Leonardo is cool when one's last name is DiCaprio, but not when one's last name is Lim.
7. That next month, a lot of Johnsons, Jacksons and Clives are going to be called Leonardo.
8. That it is indeed unfortunate that here in Singapore, we did not get to see the famous "Titanic" scene where Kate Winslet poses for Lenny DiCaprio in the nude (in artistic movies, we say "the lady was nude" and in Cat 3 movies, "the woman was butt nekkid"). I feel that this is a travesty of the highest order, denying us what one reviewer called "an effectively intense and sensual sequence", thereby, in my opinion, diminishing and diluting Director James Cameron's grand artistic vision for this movie.
Now many must go to JB and get the VCD to satisfy their artistic sensibilities.
9. That the womenfolk are allowed to drool over "that cute hunk" DiCaprio but we men are pondscum for admiring Kate Winslet's ethereal beauty from afar.
10. That it is divine retribution when in your SNE series (SNE Part 27, Point 22) you make fun of those people who watched "Titanic" more than once, and your wife wants to catch it again the following day after seeing it. With or without you.
11. That in the spirit of the occasion (another "Movie Event of the Year"), this special "Titanic" edition of SNE is the most expensive to date. It cost me $19.90 to produce it ($14-Movie Tickets, $5-Popcorn&Coke, and $0.90-Tissues), compared to no money for the previous issues. It is probably going to go over-budget, depending on how many times goodwife brown wishes to see it again.
12. That it is perfectly acceptable to make her pay for the movie if she wants you to watch it with her again. And again. And again. And again.
13. That in keeping with the artistic significance of a movie like "Titanic", the soundtrack, books and Commemorative Wok have all been sold out in Singapore.
The only "Titanic" stuff I found in Borders Books were "Starship Titanic" by Douglas Adams (science-fiction), and "Last Meal on the Titanic" (a collection of menus and recipes from the Titanic). You could probably sell "Titanic" Birdcage Liner (especially if you have Leonardo DiCaprio's face on it).
14. That if you have watched "Titanic" with your wife, make sure you do not let her watch, on the following day, that evocative and tasteful Hong Kong movie "The Human Char Siew Bun Murders", even if it is her idea. It will probably mess up her romantic mood.
I am not making this up.
15. That unless you have a serious death wish (in contrast to a frivolous death wish), do not call Leonardo DiCaprio an American Beng in front of your wife after she has watched "Titanic".
16. That men should not watch "Titanic" wearing their contact lenses because the show is long, the aircon is cold, and your friends see your bloodshot eyes afterwards and think that you cried in the show.
I did _not_, ok?
17. That from certain angles, some say Kate Winslet looks like Madonna (the sacrilegious one with the Pointy Bra) but without the mole.
18. That no matter what they tell you, that VCD of "Titanic" they filmed with a shaky Handycam inside a cineplex is NOT LD-quality.
19. That no matter what your wife tells you, it _is_ because of Leonardo DiCaprio and not just the love story that she likes "Titanic" so much. See if she would say the same thing if Lyle Lovett acted Jack Dawson.
20. That when your CD shop has run out of the "Titanic" soundtrack, just keep playing all day the love theme of "Titanic" from Celine Dion's latest album instead (the track "My Heart Will Go On & On & On & On"), to lure unsuspecting and rabid "Titanic" fans into your shop. Then tell them you have no stock. Works like an Irish Sirens' song.
After we spent 20 minutes in that CD shop, I now HATE that song and Mike can sing it by heart but he does not know the title of it.
21. That in the coming months you are going to see a lot of "Titanic" Leonardo/Kate poses in your friends' wedding albums.
22. That TCS will probably show "Titanic" in the year 2028AD, and it would probably be too long for TV at 3 hours plus, so they would probably:
a. start the movie at the halfway point, when the ship hits the iceberg, so that there would be enough time for the ads from the 23 sponsors, most of them insurance companies, or;
b. stop the movie at the halfway point, before the ship hits the iceberg, so that the movie will have a happy ending, or;
c. screen the movie over three weeks as a mini-series.
23. That Mike is right, buying the hard-to-find "Titanic" soundtrack for my wife as a surprise is just encouraging her to watch it more times.
24. That somehow, somewhere, some Chinese record company and singer are recording the Chinese version of the "Titanic" love theme, "My Heart Will Go On" ("Wo De Xin Hui Zai Tiao" or "Wo De Xin Bu Hui Ting"). And Nothing On Earth Can Stop Them. Tragic.
25. That the most tragic thing in the movie "Titanic" was when there was not enough lifeboats on the ship and passengers were dying of hypothermia in the icy ocean, and then some idiot's pager and handphone went off. At the same time. For the fifth time in the show.
Copyright 2004 by Lee Kin Mun
