mrbrown.com

From the Mailbag 18 Sept 2000

From DRaley

you need a better web site

Phrases You Probably Shouldn't Use At Work, But Would Like To

1. How about never? Is never good for you?

2. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

3. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Guy Facts

Warning: M18 rating

According to the world health organization, 100 million acts of sexual intercourse occur every day.

The average American male will have 6500 orgasms during his lifetime.

Office Prayer

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they
Pissed me off.

Rail Fact!

So Incredible, It Must Be True...

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Radio Contest

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions,ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

I Asked God

I asked God to take away my pride.
And God said "No".
He said it was not for him to take away,
but for me to give up.

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

Asian English

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Criminal Darwin Awards

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

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Funny Signs in Great Britain

Funny Signs in Great Britain: (but could be anywhere)

Estrada Again!

President Joseph Ejercito Estrada was formally recognized as an Ateneo Alumnus having graduated from Ateneo Grade School in 1951 and reaching 2nd year at the Ateneo High School before being expelled for fighting. Here is the transcript:

30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know

1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don't treat us like shit, what goes around comes around.

6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.

9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.

11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.

12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.

13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."

17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.

21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.

24. PMS is not an excuse.

25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.

26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.

27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.

28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.

29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.

30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.


Contributed by YM

Annual Staff Appraisal

Individual quotes reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations.

True Dummy Stories

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

 

With a Little Help from Our Friends

Police in Oakland spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

 

The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

 

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

 

College Can Be Murder

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

 

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

 

Hand Me the Money!

In Modesto, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"


Contributed by Monica

I Am Sending You This Email Because I Love You

So, lets see. What does spring mean to you? It means spring cleaning. Time to clean out the fridge, and get rid of that salami that looks like grandpa's stomach when he sits down. Oh, I wasn't going to say his Penis... that's revolting. Time to clean the pile of clothes behind your door. Most importantly, time to clean out your computer from all those wretched unwanted files. I have for you, a full year of unwanted junk e-mail all rolled into one...

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"

But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from  Armageddon when the year 2000 rolled around. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates! (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know).

While looking for a payphone, he stumbled by a GAP store where he went in and demanded that the Manager give him his $50 certificate just for bringing in a letter printed off his printer saying she should do so. The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 10 people, you will have good luck but if you forward it to 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogged the pores under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your emails forever. After you send this to at least 10 friends, a really cool image of a 7/8 naked Shania Twain twirling a popsicle in her mouth while singing old Beatles songs will pop up on the screen, but  only after you send it to the 10 friends like I am doing to you right now. I did it and it worked! I'm not sure how I knew that when I wrote this but who will complain?

Ah Beng Poem

The soul of a Beng...

SHMILY by Laura Jeanne Allen

My grandparents were married for over half a century, and played their own special game from the time they had met each other. The goal of their game was to write the word "shmily" in a surprise place for the other to find, as soon as one of them discovered it, it was their turn to hide it once more.

Sport Choices

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:

Singlish Poem

Wah! I heard we all now got big big debate.
They said future of proper English is at stake.