So, lets see. What does spring mean to you? It means spring cleaning. Time to clean out the fridge, and get rid of that salami that looks like grandpa's stomach when he sits down. Oh, I wasn't going to say his Penis... that's revolting. Time to clean the pile of clothes behind your door. Most importantly, time to clean out your computer from all those wretched unwanted files. I have for you, a full year of unwanted junk e-mail all rolled into one...
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolled around. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates! (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know).
While looking for a payphone, he stumbled by a GAP store where he went in and demanded that the Manager give him his $50 certificate just for bringing in a letter printed off his printer saying she should do so. The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 10 people, you will have good luck but if you forward it to 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogged the pores under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your emails forever. After you send this to at least 10 friends, a really cool image of a 7/8 naked Shania Twain twirling a popsicle in her mouth while singing old Beatles songs will pop up on the screen, but only after you send it to the 10 friends like I am doing to you right now. I did it and it worked! I'm not sure how I knew that when I wrote this but who will complain?
