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From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
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Good Share Offers MUST BUY LAH !!
Recently, there have been a spate of mergers, DBS & POSBANK, Sembawang & STIC, etc.
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How to interpret employment ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
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Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
-Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
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[Dunno if this is a true report, or if it's a bloody hoax... I think I satisfy all the conditions of HCE ...]
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Warning: Adults only (like that has ever stopped anyone)
1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I only believe in fivesomes.
7. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11 Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Jeez! You're better than Mum.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically.)
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's 20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cellulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot, I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russel the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk.
57. Your stretchmarks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59. Your sister's a much better f**k than you
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some real good pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. What do you mean you're only fourteen?
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your dick like a straw.
68. I think I have diarrhea.
69. Where's the flashlight? I can't see where to put it.
70. When we're finished, will you take this bag off my head?
71. I'm getting sea-sick, I hate waterbeds.
72. I had more fun with a coke bottle.
73. Have you met my two friends, Tony and Steve?
74. Could you loosen the rope a little bit?
75. Isn't a woman supposed to be "in" and a man "out"?
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Ahem, is there something these Singaporean emigres know more than us who're still around? -eveline
As if anticipating that Singapore may not be the most perfect place on earth to live, the Ministry of Home Affairs in the Lion City has drawn up a list of rather revealing questions for citizens planning to emigrate or live abroad.
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Re: My Resignation as an Adult
To Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old again.
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Dear Aunt Aggie,
I have a problem that I hope you can solve. Three years ago, I met a girl, A, for whom I completely fell head over heels. We started going together and soon became an item. Recently there has been talk of marriage between her and her parents. During the same time, a good friend of mine, B, broke off with her boyfriend and sought consolation in me. Being a good friend, I was always there for her and before I knew it, started having feelings for her too. This was of course not known to A, with whom I'm still going out.
At the same time, for reasons I am not sure of, I have decided not to tell B about A. Not too long ago I met B's family and B's sister, C, took liking in me and asked me to join her and her friends for an outing. Not wanting to disappoint her, I obliged, not letting B know. At the outing, I met an old friend, D, whom I haven't seen for a long time. She had been away in Australia for the last five years. She had returned because her uncle has just died. Even though she wasn't close to her uncle, he had left her, an inheritance, a house in Sydney and also all his money in his Swiss bank account. I understand that this amount is more than enough for her to live very comfortably for the rest of her life.
Whilst we were talking, D confided in me that she has always been attracted to me. She told me that she is still unattached and intended to remain so until she hears news that I'm already married. She also told me that she had planned to contact me, disclose her true feelings to me if I'm still single and had hoped that by some chance I may even consider going to Sydney with her. She felt that the fact of us meeting so coincidentally was due to some kind of fate. Now, you can see the fix I'm in.
My question, of course, is - should I fly SQ or Qantas?
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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of Singapore is about 3 million. 700,000 are retired.
That leaves 2.3 million to do the work. There are 1.5 million in school, which leaves 800,000 to do the work.
Of this, there are 400,000 who are employed by the government, they do no work. Thus leaving 400,000 others to do the work.
Another 200,000 are in the Armed Forces, Police and Civil Defence which leaves 200,000 to do the work.
At any given time there are 154,000 people in hospitals, old folks home, etc. leaving 46,000 to do the work. Now, there are 45,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
No wonder I am tired.
Contributed by Colin
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In the following authentic (allegedly) complaints received by local Councils from their tenants, there are several points which might be misconstrued and seen as a source of amusement by those of low intellect and immature sense of humour. For the rest of us, this will serve as a morally improving example of the crude innuendo enjoyed by the masses:
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* Their 18-year-old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the middle.
* This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
* Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.
* It's all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
* The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand?
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
* Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's ready to fall off.
* I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.
Contributed by Monica
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Women's Version
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's Version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
THE END
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1. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
2. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
4. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
5. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
6. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
9. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
10. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
11. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
12. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
13. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
14. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
15. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
Contributed by Mike
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13. "Let's agree to disagree, punk."
12. "I'll be back. As long as I'm going, do you want anything from the
Bath and Body Shop?"
11. "Use the big-ass gun, Luke!"
10. "I'm about to give you one more reason to vote for universal health
care!"
9. "I know you are, punk, but what am I?"
8. "You just messed with the wrong motivational speaker, my friend!"
7. "A little song, a little dance, a little can of Whoop-Ass down your
pants."
6. "You're going to want to put some ice on that."
5. "Yippie Ki Yay, Mother Superior!"
4. "Where do you want to hurt today?"
3. "Let's mambo with Mr. Pain!"
2. "Do you feel like chicken tonight, punk?"
and the Number 1 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrase...
1. "Justice? You're soaking in it!"
THE END
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For those successful applicants to the Imperial Academy.
Now that you've joined the Imperial Forces, you're bound to meet Darth Vader some day. That's as exhilarating as it is dangerous. Follow these simple rules and you'll be okay.
10. Don't mumble "This is CNN" under your breath as he walks by. He hates that.
9. Don't tell him he's got a one-eyed snake in the trash compactor. He'll probably misunderstand and kill you.
8. Don't push any buttons on his chest. Especially that blue "fill suit with water" one.
7. Don't point out that most of the Stormtroopers in those wide-angle shots are just matte paintings. Just play along and wave politely.
6. Don't say "Less filling".
5. Don't accept any promotions that would make you an Admiral. Trust me.
4. Don't shift the Death Star into reverse from fourth gear.
3. Don't come out of hyperspace too close to a system. Remember what happened at Hoth?
2. Don't ever call him "Anakin" or "Pepe". Those names no longer have no meaning to him.
1. Don't bother trying to hide those McNuggets. He's on them like white on rice.
Contributed by Mtn Std T
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Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines allover the screen
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Contributed by BigKahuna
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