mrbrown.com

Liver and Cheese

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and an Ah Beng.

They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."

So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."

The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese." The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"

Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"


Contributed by Mike

Petishun Against Diskriminashun

Petishun

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise

________________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)


Contributed by Mike

The Perfect Crime

True Story...

Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:- A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name?

"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"


Contributed by Monica

Things to Ponder

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is  it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating  an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone  will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to  remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?


Contributed by CCS

 

The Big Singapore Hoax

This is proof that the Nostradamus Mentality is just as prevalent in Singapore. Classic Internet Hoax, semi-truth with major embellishments. Someone had a lot of free time in his hands to craft this puppy. Loved the "ikan bilis" and "chai poh" bit.

For a chain hoax that begins with "Please do not forward this email...", the email has certainly done the rounds. I have omitted the church's name to protect the innocent, and to spare them the endless phone calls.

For the record:

1. Yes, the church mentioned does exist.

2. No, the church did not start this email.

3. Yes, some overseas couple spoke at the church but they did not predict the WTC attack, not give any specific dates for Singapore's earthquake.

4. No, nothing of this sort will happen on Oct 21 2001. Please do not stock up on chai poh, and drive up chai poh prices.

5. Yes, Singaporeans can be very gullible.

If you believe this sort of thing, here is another to mess with your mind: "Type Q33NY in a word processor, enlarge to size 30 font, change font to Wingdings.Q33NY was one of the flights involved in the WTC terrorist attack."

The Email Hoax

Please do not forward this email, just keep it for your reference, and for those believe in Christ, please pray for repentance and mercy.

I don't know the sender of this email.

Hi leaders

This is one email I won't normally like to send to you. It is sensitive besides being scary. When I first read it, it was not something new to me as I've heard of the prophecy before. This morning I spoke to a member from ****** to verify if the couple mentioned below preached at their church and she confirmed that they did at the Youth service. It was a PowerPoint sermon with step by step and point by point presentation on what the Lord has shown them concerning Singapore.

Well, apparently they were allowed to share with the youth service so that kinda surprised me. Was told that this couple is the unassuming type, low-key but they have been known to have receive visions from the Lord of disaster that came true, according to this member from ****** I spoke to this morning.

But in any case, I want you all to read this but here's what we all must do WE NEED TO BE REALLY DISCERNING WHAT GOD'S DOING IN SUCH A TIME. There is no need for panic. We can pray and we should all be ready in any case right.

The Bible tells us to be ready in season and out of season. This email is sent by an intercessor to someone in our Region.

Here goes:

Prophecy on Spore:

I am briefly writing to you what i've heard on Saturday night (15 Sept). A friend attended an afternoon seminar at ****** Church on Sat - a couple, who are local visionaries presented their visions from God to the church. Now, this couple had all the visions journaled. Each of the vision they got from God came to pass. God had given them visions of twin towers in NY falling down... East Timor e'quake... Turkey e'quake... God even showed her that Petronas Twin Towers in KL will also collapse, etc. I think the names of the visionary couple are Florence & Joon Kai... not sure.  When God showed her about Singapore - it was earthquake that God spoke to them about. She asked God for the day but God only told her about time. Time of national disaster is 7:55pm to 8:05pm.

The following places' bldgs will be affected :

Causeway Point
KK Hospital
Novena Square
IRAS (Inland Revenue House)
Changi Airport
World Trade Centre
Shenton Way and
Some church buildings
Roads would be split in two.

Christians in Singapore must pray and ask God for His mercy and grace that this would not happen. Pray to God for aversion of this dreadful event.

God told the couple that, if we pray, HE will listen and will avert this disaster.

God spoke on the 5th June 2000, that she is to advise the people to prepare themselves (spiritually and physically) for this. They should get the following items- dried food stuff such as ikan bilis, chai poh, maggie mee, etc. Canned food such as sardines, pork cubes, black beans etc. Bags of rice. Water cooler bottles cooking pots/pans/charcoal stove. Not forgetting can-openers.

Put important documents and a set of light clothes in harversacks for easy reach when disaster strikes. Place a pair of comfortable shoes/sandals near you so that you can wear them in emergency. Pray now that God will prepare our hearts for things that are coming. And do not fear. Ask God what is our individual role to play in adverse circumstance.  In an earthquake, there will be two types of waves - first wave known as the 'P' wave - called the 'bouncing wave'. I believe this is the one that sends tremors. When this happens, hide under tables or beds - don't run around.

Once this (tremor) has stopped, grab your bags and run downstairs before the next wave starts. The next wave is the 'S' wave - which is the one that will bring buildings down. And grounds will open up. There will be no time to run at this point because debris will be flying around & bldg will collapse.

Once we are in the streets, God says, that when the people asked why we are so prepared, we are to tell them that it is our Almighty God who has told us so. This is to show them that our God takes care of His people because we never doubted His Word.

Another thing to note : God showed the couple that India is going to be hit by a major e'quake. So big is the impact that it's going to sweep all across Asia. M'sia, Singapore, Philippines, Thailand, Indonesia, Australia, etc.  will be hit. On the Richter scale, this e'quake will measure 8.3. Today (17 Sept), I received a call from my friend, that one of our church member heard that 21 October 2001 (Sunday) is the day of disaster.  This date is given by an American man who came to Singapore sometime this year to preach.

Someone from within our church also felt that something major is going to happen before the harvest comes in. She felt that October 2001 could be it.

November would be the recovery month and December is the great harvest.

God showed the couple that Singapore will become a Christian nation - no doubt - not because Singaporeans believe in GOD, but b'cos Singaporeans don't know what to do or who to turn to in a time such as that. The couple also saw God's eye and a teardrop fell. The lady asked God, 'Why are you crying?' God answered, 'Because some of my people are just playing church. They are not sincere in loving me. They come Sunday after Sunday just to do the routine. And this saddens my heart.' God's eye is upon Singapore and He is watching us everyday of our lives.

Conclusion is, only God's love for us will save us.

Only our love for God will help us pull through all situations!  Last but not least, God told the visionary couple that the church of Singapore must rise up in prayer and pray against the schemes of the enemy (devil). God is revealing to us the schemes of the enemy now, so that we can pray in His power and in His authority. We are to co-work with Jesus in prayer against the principalities that is to come.

God wants the church to do three things:

1. REPENT

2. INTERCEDE

3. PREPARE

The Effects of Alcohol

A new Catholic priest was conducting his first Mass and he was so scared that he could hardly speak.  Needless to say, his sermon fell flatter than Ally Macbeal's chest and after the service, he asked the Monsignor (senior priest, to you who be uneducated in things Catholic how he had done and how he could improve next week.

Fine, all things considering, said the Monsignor, But you might want to consider putting a little gin or vodka into your carafe of water next week, it might help you relax.

The next week, the new priest put vodka into his water and really kicked up a storm, his service lasted 2 hours and after it, he went looking for the Monsignor but couldn't find him.

Returning to his room, he found a note pasted on his door.

Good service, just a few things that you should get straight next time,

1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

2. Jesus had 12 disciples, not 10.

3. David slew Goliath, he did not bitch slap him.

4. We do NOT refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as JC and The Boys.

5. Next week, there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, NOT a Peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.

6. Joseph rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, NOT Joseph came in on his ass.

7. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea to escape the Egyptians, he did not pass water at the Egyptians.

8. We NEVER refer to The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit as Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook.

9. Jacob was drunk and fell off his donkey, NOT stoned off his ass.

10. We do NOT refer to Judas as The Stinko Finko.

11. The Pope was CONSECRATED not CASTRATED and we do not refer to him as the Godfather.

12. Lastly, we NEVER EVER refer to Mother Mary as Mary-with-the-Cherry.