A new Catholic priest was conducting his first Mass and he was so scared that he could hardly speak. Needless to say, his sermon fell flatter than Ally Macbeal's chest and after the service, he asked the Monsignor (senior priest, to you who be uneducated in things Catholic how he had done and how he could improve next week.
Fine, all things considering, said the Monsignor, But you might want to consider putting a little gin or vodka into your carafe of water next week, it might help you relax.
The next week, the new priest put vodka into his water and really kicked up a storm, his service lasted 2 hours and after it, he went looking for the Monsignor but couldn't find him.
Returning to his room, he found a note pasted on his door.
Good service, just a few things that you should get straight next time,
1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
2. Jesus had 12 disciples, not 10.
3. David slew Goliath, he did not bitch slap him.
4. We do NOT refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as JC and The Boys.
5. Next week, there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, NOT a Peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.
6. Joseph rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, NOT Joseph came in on his ass.
7. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea to escape the Egyptians, he did not pass water at the Egyptians.
8. We NEVER refer to The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit as Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook.
9. Jacob was drunk and fell off his donkey, NOT stoned off his ass.
10. We do NOT refer to Judas as The Stinko Finko.
11. The Pope was CONSECRATED not CASTRATED and we do not refer to him as the Godfather.
12. Lastly, we NEVER EVER refer to Mother Mary as Mary-with-the-Cherry.
