Singapore National Education Part 89
Weeks of 18 August 2003 to 3rd September 2003
I have also learned lately:
1. That the NEL was delayed by 87 minutes recently because of one of the massively complex computer systems running it using up its monthly quota for delaying the NEL.
2. That in line with the new through train plan of allowing super special students to enter National Junior College at Secondary 3, and skip the O Levels to do the A Levels direct, some nurseries are thinking of offering a through train program for their two-year-olds to enter Primary One at four, skipping kindergarten K1 and K2.
The toddlers will need to pass a three-hour academic test, a reasoning test and an interview in order to qualify. They will also need to be able to wear their own pampers and eat an entire meal by themselves to be shortlisted.
3. That students from all-boys and all-girls schools are looking forward to dating the opposite sex a whole two years early if they get into junior college on the NJC through train program.
Maybe there should also be a hormone entrance exam too.
4. That home loan interest rates are up, and CPF is about to get cut from 36% to 33%. And the CPF ceiling will be cut from $6000 to $4500 (I bet most of you do not even know there WAS a ceiling. In other words, you guys earning $6000 per month or more now will be getting CPF based on a $4500 salary).
Let the property bloodbath begin.
5. That Singaporeans need to be prepared to accept wage reform because our salaries are three times more than Malaysians, and (insert number here) times more than (insert country here).
And of course, our MPs are the inverse, grossly underpaid compared to these countries.
6. That there is a new campaign to help Singaporeans improve their economy, "Bend Down Singapore".
"Chasing the Pink $
Some mainstream businesses here are pitching their products and services at gays, whom they see as trendsetters with high spending power" -ST 17 August 2003
7. That there is talk that Gay World may be rebuilt to become a new tourist attraction.
8. That, for the last friggin' time, PM Goh did not say BG Lee slapped Dhana. PM Goh was making a joke. A JOKE, ok? Sheeesh.
9. That in order to help the unemployment situation, the Government has created a new statutory board, the Works Development Agency.
Some have suggested that we may be creating too many statutory boards and civil servant posts, and costing the taxpayer money, while increasing the red tape that hamper new businesses. One idea that has come up is to merge some of these government and quasi-government agencies into one.
The Government will create a new task force and statutory board to make this happen.
10. That there is a new mini Visa card, the Visa Mini, that is 25% smaller than the MasterCard SideCard (an elongated, width-compressed card).
Smaller cards, same size credit card bill.
11. That the Malaysian Government is changing the Malaysian national anthem. It will be slowed down following complaints that an upbeat version introduced in 1992 "has not induced enough pride in the country".
This is based on the well-documented study from Netherlands (or somewhere) that slower anthems are generally more patriotic, and faster anthems, especially Hip Hop versions, tend to make citizens feel less patriotic, because they cannot sing the words fast enough.
12. That the title of the anthem may also be changed from Negaraku (My Country) to MalaysiaKu (My Malaysia), which many Malaysians oppose.
Other titles being considered by the Cabinet include AirKu (My Water) and Vision2020Ku (My Vision 2020), and We Will (We Will) Rock You.
13. That new arrangements for the Malaysian national anthem will be submitted to the Cabinet this week for approval. Treatments being considered include Classical, Mariah Carey Power Ballad, Hip Hop, Slow Rock, and Heavy Metal.
Several arrangements of the anthem will be submitted by the National Symphony Orchestra, the RTM Orchestra, as well as the police and army orchestras. Other music arrangers being shortlisted include Puff Daddy (feat. Missy Elliot), Willie Nelson and the guy who did the Myojo Mee Jingle that is being used by many handphone owners as a ringtone.
14. That Malaysians are probably wondering why the Cabinet has so much time in their hands to mess about with the National Anthem.
Does that mean there will be a Ministry of National Anthem Upgrading?
15. That PM Goh gave his speech on Sunday night, and many patriotic young Singaporeans tuned eagerly to watch Black Hawk Down on HBO.
16. That Singapore births are heading towards a 26-year low. The number of babies born in the first six months of this year has fallen at such a rate that if it continues, Singapore will, at year-end, record its lowest number of births in 26 years. So for the next 6 months, Singaporeans are encouraged to make up the shortfall by having more unprotected sex.
Some activities planned include More Sex Week, Babies Are Cute Week, and a general ban on contraceptives for an entire month (very likely to be the December school holidays to enable teachers participate as well). The Government is also rethinking a ban on pornographic material, but it needs to conduct further research to determine whether it will lead to higher births, or just more masturbation.
Another initiative being looked into is a Go Home Early on a Weekday to Have Sex With Your Spouse Day, for married civil servants.
17. That it has been suggested that Singaporeans may need longer loans to service their mortgage if the CPF gets cut.
I agree. You may as well extend your loan to 30 or 40 years. You will be working way past 55 anyway, since your nest egg is now screwed, and you may not even be able to withdraw your own CPF at 55 if your account has less than the new minimum sum.
Oh, and don't forget to have more sex and babies.
18. That this dude flying a 33-year-old Beechcraft Bonanza F33 A developed electrical problems and intruded into Singapore's airspace, resulting in two Republic of Singapore Air Force (RSAF) A-4 Super Skyhawks being scrambled intercept it.
The A-4 Super Skyhawk is the advanced version of the A-4 Not-So-Super Skyhawk.
The pilot, Mr Faria e Mello, is a wheelchair bound former Portuguese Air Force pilot, was doing his second round the world flight.
It is suspected that due to the electrical failure, pilots of the Skyhawks had to use hand signals and a quick round of Charades.
Unconfirmed reports by eye-witnesses indicated that the private plane was guided down by the A-4 Super Skyhawks by following a bumper sticker on the lead Skyhawk, which read "If you can see this bumper sticker, you are flying too close to my Skyhawk."
19. That there is no news on the development of the A-4 Even-More-Super Skyhawk.
20. That the F-16s were not scrambled because their road tax was not renewed yet. Also, they needed to send something that flew slower because F-16s would be too fast for a little private plane.
21. That when you are a brave wheelchair-bound pilot who has flown around the world before and on this your second attempt, you are flying a plane sticken with electrical power failure, with no radio, no lights, and you are manually cranking down the landing gear with one hand, while guiding the plane with the other, with a torchlight in your mouth, the last thing you want to see are two A-4 Super Skyhawks sent, not to help you, but to intercept you because you have wandered into restricted airspace.
22. That according to BG Yeo, Singaporeans can expect painful adjustments ahead. In his words, "Adjustments will be necessary and some of them will be painful."
In case any Singaporeans do not understand the kind of adjustments we will have to make, allow me to illustrate.
You know when you have hemorrhoids and the doctor has to check to see how much bad it is, and he puts on a rubber glove and then he sticks his hand up your rectum?
It will be more painful than that.
23. That Singaporeans will have to give up any illusions of a Swiss standard of living as promised by the Government and accept the fact that we will be lucky if we attain a Swiss Cheese standard of living.
24. That local DJs need Geography lessons. Heard on Power 98:
Guy DJ: Hey, listen up, here is something about an Italian man...
Girl DJ: Ooh, red hot Latin Lover!
25. That there are some people who would pay good money for Singapore school uniforms for girls. And it is not for educational purposes.
Copyright 2004 by Lee Kin Mun