mrbrown.com

My Newest Creation

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Isaac, my secondborn, and my first son. More photos of him can be seen in my Photo Album.

From the Mailbag 11 Oct 2003

Folks who thought I was nerd-turned-stud Tony Brown of MTV's MADE:

From Angel Moran

is this the Mr. Brown from the Tony Brown MTV Made episode? I really want to know? If not, you probably had this question before, could you help me out?

More... Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why did the Chicken cross the road?



DR SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

 

OPRAH

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

 

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

 

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

KARL MARX

It was an historic inevitability.

 

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

 

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

BILL GATES

eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

BILL CLINTON

What is your definition of chicken?

 

COLONEL SAUNDERS

Did I miss one?

 

HOMER SIMPSON

Mmmmmmmmm . . . . C h i c k e n

 

SAEED AL SAHAF (Iraqi information minister)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

 

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

 

COLIN POWELL

Now, at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

TONY BLAIR

I agree with George.
 

Contributed by Hsien

Comments for the Stressed

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.."

3. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."

4. "Well, aren't we a f**kin ray of sunshine?"

5.. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "EXCUSE ME...Do I look like a people person?"

7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting!"

8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose."

10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"

11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet."

16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura." (LOL...I love it.)

17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

21. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."

22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."

23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

24. "Earth is full. Go home."

25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!"

30. "Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

What if The Lord of the Rings was Written by Other Authors?

Shamelessly taken off the boards at www.straightdope.com

 

LOTR by Mickey Spillane

I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in.

He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.

"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.

"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"

"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."

I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"

"Well, Mr. Baggins... there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove... troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."

I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."

 

LOTR by Ernest Hemingway

It was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight. The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him.

"He's drunk," one elf said.

"What do you care?"

"He's muttering about the secret fire."

"Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring."

"He'll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied."

The old man rapped on the table with his goblet. The younger elf went over to him.

"What do you want?"

The old man looked at him. "Another miruvor."

"You'll be drunk," the elf said. The old man looked at him. The elf went away.

"Look at his bushy eyebrows," he said to his colleague. "There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He'll stay all night and I'll never get any sleep."

The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man's table. He poured the goblet full.

"You should never have been rebodied," he said to the old man.

 

LOTR by Mark Twain

NOTICE:

Persons attempting to resolve the question of Balrog wings by means of this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to define the nature of Tom Bombadil will be banished; persons attempting to find allegory in it will be shot.

BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR,

Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

FOREWORD:

In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit: the Quenya Elvish dialect; the extremest form of the Rhovanion dialect; the ordinary Sindarin dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion, or by guesswork; but painstakingly, and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech.

I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.

THE AUTHOR.

CHAPTER 1

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Red Book of Westmarch; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Frodo Baggins and his Uncle Bilbo, and they told the truth, mainly. There was things which they stretched, but mostly they told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was the Lady Galadriel, or Elrond, or maybe Gandalf. The Lady Galadriel - the Lady of Lothlorien, she is - and Elrond, and the wizard Gandalf is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.

 

LOTR by George Orwell

"I cannot read the fiery writing," said Frodo.

"There are few who can," replied Gandalf. "It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:

'All rings of power are equal,

But some rings of power are more equal than others.'"


 
LOTR by Dave Barry

At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.

 

LOTR, by John Milton

Of the great War of the Ring, and the tast

Of that Forbidden power, the long and

Arduous trek, thru' fiery, blasted plains

With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts

To Chaos' edge, and there to cast the One

To endless fire and eternal death:

Sing Heav'nly Muse, that in Rivendell did'st

First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,

In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron

Brought into the world from fiery depths

Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into't

His Malice and his Evil; I now

Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song

That struggle as it might to take to th'air

Though will I drag from bottomless perdition

Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime

And justifie the ways of men to Elves.

 

LOTR by Tom Clancy

The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in it's scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail.

The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...

 

LOTR by Dr Seuss

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!

I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.

You have a slim chance, but I have none.

I will not take it on a boat,

I will not take it across a moat.

I cannot take it under Moria,

that's one thing I can't do for ya.

I would not bring it into Mordor,

I would not make it to the border."

 

LOTR by Danielle Steele

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.

 

LOTR by Ayn Rand

Smeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "Precious," he muttered. "Precious colective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.

 

LOTR by Choose Your Own Adventure

You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?

If yes, go to page 65, if no, turn to page 43.

Page 65

"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"

If yes, go to page 13, if no, turn to page 72:

Page 72:

"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"

For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 88, for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.

Page 68:

As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"

To keep the ring, go to page 47, to give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.

Page 88:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth."

As she laughs, she signals her minions to torure you to death. At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.

THE END

 

LOTR by a Lawyer

COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

1. Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

2. Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

3. All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

4. Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

5. Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

6. As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

7. Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.

Respectfully submitted,

Mouth of Sauron
Attorney for Plaintiff
Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639

 

LOTR by CNN

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terroist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago. The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangereous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously resif\ding in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foriegn affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

"We will act in our utmost to bring these terroists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terroists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lords minions will be strong and resolute."

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terroists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor. It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwaves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".

"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists, they do not speak for hobbit kind".

Agents also believe that these terroists have strong links to the group that assasinated the Foriegn Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terroist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped passed even the most stringent defences the Dark Lord has set in place. Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. "How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that theres a group of orc killers roaming the countryside" a concerend mother said today".

Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.

-- written by CNN correspondant, Saurman

 

LOTR by The Onion

Area man loses magical ring of power, thinks it may be behind the couch.

Local area man Sauron (last name withheld for privacy reasons) has been looking everywhere in his spacious 3 bedroom volcano for a ring he forged over 6000 years ago. He claims that the ring, although of little intrinsic value, has great sentimental value to him since he poured most of power into it.

"I mean, I guess it could be used to turn people invisible and bend knigs to your will and stuff like that, but basically, its just a nice gold ring which I happen to like wearing"

Having last seen the ring when he went outside to check on some damn punk kids who were making a whole lot of noise outside of his estate in Mordor, he's not quite sure what happened to the ring after that.

"I was just going outside to shut those damn elves up, yaknow. There always barging in here every thousand years or so demanding I stop razing their lands and enslaving their people, gets to be kinda a nuisance yaknow."

Sauron reports that he is not quite sure what happens next but, all of a sudden, he becomes a discorporated spirit, capable of doing no more evil than a overly dry turkey club sandwich.

"Anyway, I dunno what happened but I guess I just dropped the ring somewhere. Gee, I hope nobody picked it up cos, that would be theft plain and simple and even elves are above that. Although, come ta think of it, those damn whippersnapper 'umans mighta done it. There not above anything, them spoiled brats."

Hoping that nobody picked up the ring over the ensuing 3000 year interval, Sauron is sure that the ring is just wedged behind the refrigerator or maybe even under the bed. He has high hopes on finding the ring and looks forward to wearing it again.

"Yaknow, about the only place I haven't checked yet is the forging room, I was going to do it two days ago but there was some ruckus with a spider in the west quadrant. At this rate, I probably wont get a chance to have a good look in there until next week."

 

LOTR by Seinfeld

Seinfeld Episode 144: "The Ring":

So anyway my uncle gives me this ring of power and I can't even recharge my cell phone with it. What's up with that?

"Don't tell me you lost the ring George."

"I had it a minute ago. I must have left it in that restaraunt."

"No Rings for you," cried the Soup Nazgul.

"This guy who wants me to get rid of the ring is named Gandalf. Have you ever met anybody named Gandalf? What's up with that?

The Council of Elrond:

"Sauron created the ring of power in the year...yadda, yadda, yadda... and that's how Frodo here got it."

Why didn't Sauron make a spare ring? What's up with that?

 

LOTR by Eminem

Lord of the Rings-Eminem

Do you know what it's like to be given a quest

To be told that my best is a jest in the mess of a world my parents confessed?

To be told that I'm going to fail no matter what I do

That everything's gonna go black

To be given a ring that my uncle's addicted to like smack?

A ring he won't let go

`It's mine,' Bilbo says, `just let go, Frodo,'

`F**k you,' I say, `You know yo flow is blow, that ring ain't no f**king memento.'

My man Gandalf comes in and lays down the law

Oh no motherf**king Bilbo sees his flaw

'Take this thing,' he says to Gan, and hands it over to the man

'Now it's been given,' he says to him, 'given and now I'm going to Rivendell.'

`Rivendell, hell," Gandalf says, 'elves run that place like some f**kin' jail cell, you do well to go to a Deep of Helm's,' he said.

`I'm going to Rivendell,' Bilbo said. `I'm sorry Gandalf but I'm going. Now take that f**king ring before it blings and f**king makes me cry like some f**king halfling.'

 

LOTR by Tarantino

Excerpt from 'Pulp Fellowship' by Tarantino (please excuse the length)

2. EXT. HORSE DRAWN WAGON (MOVING) - MORNING

A rickety Horse Drawn Wagon creaks down the dusty back roads of the Shire. On the drivers board are two people-- one a Wizard, the other a Hobbit - the wizard wearing Homespun Robes and a pointy hat, the Hobbit standard Hobbit clothes, with a thin tie. Their names are Frodo (Hobbit) and Gandalf (Wizard). Gandalf holds the reigns.

FRODO          

That did it, man -- I'm f**kin' goin', that's all there is to it.

GANDALF

You'll most certainly enjoy it. But You know what the funniest thing about Gondor is?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

It is the small differences. Many the same things we have here, they have also there, but there they are somewhat different.

FRODO

How so?

GANDALF

Well, in Rohan, you can buy Pipeweed at a theatre. And I don't mean in a rolling paper either.

They give you a pipe full of weed, like in a guest in your parlour!

In Minas Tirith, you can buy weed at Denethor's. Also, you know what they call a Long Bottom Leaf in Gondor?

FRODO

They don't call it a Long Bottom Leaf?

GANDALF

No, they have no sense of the Shire there, they wouldn't know what the f**k a 'Long Bottom Leaf' is.

FRODO

What'd they call it?

GANDALF

Sweet Galenas.

FRODO

(repeating) Sweet Galenas... What'd they call Silver Star?

GANDALF

Silver star remains Silver Star, but they call it the 'King's' Silver Star.

FRODO

What do they call Old Toby?

GANDALF

I know not, I could not find Old Toby. But you know what they put on Mushrooms in Gondor instead of Bacon?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

Mutton.

FRODO

Goddamn!

 

Contributed by a Many Talented Straightdope readers

Analogies and Metaphors

These excerpts are supposed to be Analogies and Metaphors found in real high school essays. I have no idea if they are for real, but they are funny to read, nonetheless.

 

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

 

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

 

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

 

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

 

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

 

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

SNE Part 90

Singapore National Education Part 90
Weeks of 3 September 2003 to 3 October 2003