1. 43% of all statistics are useless.
2. A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
3. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
4. A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
5. A penny saved is a government oversight.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
8. A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
9. A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
10. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
11. A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor. (Dedicated to ESG 1!)
12. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
13. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
14. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.
15. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
16. After four decimal places, nobody cares.
17. All computers wait at the same speed.
18. All of me is beautiful and valuable...even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
19. Christmas is a race to see which gives out first: Your money or your feet.
20. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
21. [bumper snicker] DANGER! I drive like you do.
22. December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
23. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
24. Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
25. Does killing time damage eternity?
26. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
27. Don't question authority. It hasn't got a clue!
28. Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
29. Dyslexics have more fnu.
30. Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write "A good doctor!"
31. Even hypocrites admire righteousness. That is why they imitate it.
32. Ever wonder what was greatest BEFORE sliced bread?
33. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
34. Everyone has 20/20 hindsight.
35. Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you're too old to get a job.
36. Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
37. Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of Star Trek conventions, would there be at least one with a life?
38. God answers kneemail.
39. God enjoys receiving knee-mails.
40. He who composes himself is wiser than he who composes books.
41. He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
42. He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
43. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
44. How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
45. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
46. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
47. How is it possible to have a civil war?
48. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
49. How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
50. I am not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.
51. I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
52. I doubt, therefore I might be.
53. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
54. I haven't lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere.
55. I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
56. I may be fat, but you're ugly. I can lose weight!
57. I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
58. I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime next door complained.
59. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
60. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
61. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
62. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
63. I think, therefore I am overqualified.
64. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
65. I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
66. I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.
67. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
68. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
69. I was getting in my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure. You look great! The world is your oyster! Go for it!'"
70. I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
71. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
72. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
73. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
74. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
75. If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?
76. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
77. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
78. If #2 pencils are so good, why don't they ever become #1?
79. Is a person who leaves the church having an out-of-the-Body experience?
80. Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change.
81. Keep the faith... But not from others!
82. Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition.
83. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently-talented fool.
84. One of the greatest happiness's of life is the conviction that we are loved--loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
85. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
86. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're okay, you're it.
87. Some folks wear their halos much too tight.
88. Some folks won't look up until they're flat on their backs.
89. Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets oiled, sometimes it gets replaced.
90. Swallowing your pride seldom leads to indigestion.
91. The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.
92. The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out; put new ones in.
93. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
94. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
95. The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name...
96. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
97. The facts, though interesting, are simply irrelevant.
98. The idea is to die young as late as possible.
99. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world.
100. The word "love" can have many different meanings...it loses value when overly used and has no value at all if never spoken or shown to others.
101. Then there was the time Geronimo jumped out of an airplane and yelled, "MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
102. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
103. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
104. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic
105. Who are these people that have the time to figure out how many of ANYTHING placed end-to-end would circle the planet?
106. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?
107. Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
108. Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts, like ties and fur coats."
109. "Write a wise saying and your name will live forever." - Anonymous
110. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
111. You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
112. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
113. Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age just looks tired.