mrbrown.com

TODAY: Stemming the Rot

Latest TODAY column: Time to fly the coop? Better not, outside not so safe

Excerpt:

Recently, one too many windows came crashing down in the space of a week (instead of having the courtesy of spreading out the falling over a year), and this became an issue of national importance that required decisive kungfu-cum-taichi action.

In fact, we are told the old aluminium rivets that used to hold our windows together are no longer the safe standard, even though the HDB themselves used the same ones in many of their new flats previously. Stainless steel rivets are now the new safe standard.

Out of goodwill, the kind HDB will pay 50% of the cost of replacing the “old standard” rivets in the flats they built. Yes, you heard right, THEY built.

It is even called the “Goodwill Rivet Replacement Program” for the replacement of casement windows installed by the HDB. Not the “We Used the Wrong Rivets Then and Now Windows are Falling on People’s Heads Replacement Program”.

TODAY: Time to fly the coop? Better not, outside not so safe

Latest TODAY column: Time to fly the coop? Better not, outside not so safe

Excerpt:

WHEN you are old, and you cannot produce anymore, it's time to take back all your benefits, put you in a plastic bag and gas you with carbon dioxide.

You have a choice, of course. Be sent for canning and be the next can of ayam curry, or make yourself useful to our nation's Total Defence and volunteer for the 5,000-chicken Culling Exercise codenamed "Operation Lao Kuay" (Old Hen).

Your employer does not care how many degrees you have taken, or how long you have served, or how many eggs you have value-added to the company.

Once you reach old age, there will be three other younger chickens waiting to take your place at the coop. There might even be another 20 foreign chickens waiting to come in and lay 100 times your egg quota for half the chicken feed.

Either you have planned for this day, or you will join Operation Lao Kuay to help us figure out how to kill the rest of your brethren if one of you stupid birds managed to get yourself infected.

Banned with Pride

Yes, it finally happened. A proud day for mrbrown.com. I guess they did not want my kind of Singapore National Education. (I have since been unbanned, I've been told)

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

 

How To Satisfy A Man Every Time:

Show up naked.

 

Author Unknown


Contributed by Catherine Lois Chia

The Browntown FAQ

Find out more about this Almost-International Man of Mystery.

SNE Part 95

Singapore National Education Part 95
Weeks of 3 Feb 2004 to 11 Feb 2004

Banned with Pride 2

The kudos just keep rolling in. This is another access denied message, this time from Nanyang Polytechnic. But less fancy than the MOE one. The least they coould have done was to add a logo or something. It's only polite.

From the Mailbag 11 Feb 2004

From Tony M. Brown

That's pretty wild that your site was banned by the Ministry of Education. Gotta love Internet censorship!

From the Mailbag 3 Feb 2004

From Ack Vert (Again)

SNE

Hey You latest SNE (Feb 3) is super lame man. Hardly funny at all. And do you really think that your website was blocked by MOE? Please, don't flatter yourself. Any idiot can see that the screen shot you posted on the website looks so fake. Try harder next time..

The screenshot is real, I assure you. It was taken by someone who had to be taught how to print-screen, and who would not know how to doctor an image even if his life depended on it. I did not mess with it either (except to reduce it from the original 3.1mb bmp file to its current smaller jpeg form), because there would be no point. Anyone would have verified its authenticity very easily by trying to access the site from within the MOE network himself.

Oh, I will certainly continue to strive to be less lame in future. Thank you for your constructive feedback. -brown

SNE Part 94

Singapore National Education Part 94
Weeks of 9 Jan 2004 to 3 Feb 2004