Latest TODAY column: Time to fly the coop? Better not, outside not so safe
Excerpt:
Recently, one too many windows came crashing down in the space of a week (instead of having the courtesy of spreading out the falling over a year), and this became an issue of national importance that required decisive kungfu-cum-taichi action.
In fact, we are told the old aluminium rivets that used to hold our windows together are no longer the safe standard, even though the HDB themselves used the same ones in many of their new flats previously. Stainless steel rivets are now the new safe standard.
Out of goodwill, the kind HDB will pay 50% of the cost of replacing the “old standard” rivets in the flats they built. Yes, you heard right, THEY built.
It is even called the “Goodwill Rivet Replacement Program” for the replacement of casement windows installed by the HDB. Not the “We Used the Wrong Rivets Then and Now Windows are Falling on People’s Heads Replacement Program”.
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Full column:
Stemming the Rot
I think many of us are shocked by the latest findings by some scientists that has the potential to make the bird flu look like chicken shit.
Yes, I am talking about the potential chaos and panic this new epidemic can cause – scientists have discovered that oral sex can cause mouth cancer!
I know this is hard for us to swallow. Life was hard enough for enthusiasts of the oral kind in Singapore already. Especially since it is still an illegal act by itself, unless it is only used as foreplay, and has to be followed by full intercourse (no, I am not talking about having a debate).
Now this.
I think I speak for many when I say that this finding sucks.
Said the virologist who worked on the research, Dr Raphael Viscidi, “This is a major study in terms of size, I think this will convince people.”
Now I am not sure what size has to do with it, and how studying the size can convince people. But the guy is a virologist, so he knows a thing or two about very small specimens. So as Singaporeans who are patriotically kiasi (scared die), we should listen to him.
Thankfully, the risk, I am told, is small. But still, it is going to be hard to get excited about something that has a chance of creating cancerous tumours in your mouth. You may as well say, all this is safe, but once in a while, your thingie can rot and fall off.
Speaking of things that can rot and fall off, Singaporeans had to come to grips with this new law that requires HDB dwellers to ensure that their windows are well installed and well maintained, so that their windows do not fall and kill someone.
Recently, one too many windows came crashing down in the space of a week (instead of having the courtesy of spreading out the falling over a year), and this became an issue of national importance that required decisive kungfu-cum-taichi action.
In fact, we are told the old aluminium rivets that used to hold our windows together are no longer the safe standard, even though the HDB themselves used the same ones in many of their new flats previously. Stainless steel rivets are now the new safe standard.
Out of goodwill, the kind HDB will pay 50% of the cost of replacing the “old standard” rivets in the flats they built. Yes, you heard right, THEY built.
It is even called the “Goodwill Rivet Replacement Program” for the replacement of casement windows installed by the HDB. Not the “We Used the Wrong Rivets Then and Now Windows are Falling on People’s Heads Replacement Program”.
Now I am not trying to sound ungrateful about this (all of you know I appreciate a goodwill rivet as much as the next guy), but um, let’s see if I got this right.
You built the flat we bought, and you chose the rivets you thought were good enough for us, and now that windows are deciding to take a dive, you decide that you need to pass a law making stronger rivets compulsory, and it is OUR fault and we need to co-pay 50% to replace them?
If I had known that, I would have asked to choose the rivets they were using to build my new flat.
“I am sorry, Mr Contractor who is about to go bust, I wish to use STRONGER rivets for my flat, can?”
Oh wait, we were not asked to select rivets. Because unlike choosing butt-ugly colours for our flat’s external paint job, we were not asked about rivets because, surprise surprise, we know nothing about rivets.
Ok, we have no taste and are effectively colour-blind too, but poor choice of paint colour does not kill people.
So if it was decided that one day, cement walls were falling on people, and cement was not a safe enough standard, would we have to pay to plaster our walls with reinforced steel too?
And there is also the issue of maintaining our windows.
Now I do not know about you, but here is the sum total of my knowledge of window maintenance: One, when it is dirty, clean it. And two, when it rains, close it.
All of a sudden, I need to check the reliability of my windows’ joints and other technical parts? Will there be an exam? Will we be streamed? Will our variable performance pay be affected?
I have a mrbrown solution to all this.
In future, to prevent further window falling incidents, and to relieve residents of the burden of maintaining windows (and risk falling afoul of the law), Mr Goodwill HDB will be building new flats with no windows at all.
Residents seeking a view can hang paintings of the outdoors, or hang plasma tvs showing scenes of beautiful waterfalls (or their neighbour’s kitchen, if they like), in these new Super Safe Flats. Outside air will be pumped into the flats via Super Safe Suction Fans for ventilation purposes.
Any resident who wishes to install windows, for very special needs, will need to get a permit from the HDB, who will consider applications on a case by case (or casement by casement) basis. Those granted Window Installation permits will need to sit for a Window Inspection and Maintenance Preparation degree exam (or WIMP) to be certified WIMPs. This will ensure that people who enjoy this privilege do so in a responsible manner.
As a technology-savvy nation, all this should not be alien to us. After all, we all know that the Windows on our computers is safe and secure from any problems, as long as we maintain a regular schedule of downloading patches and scanning for virii. Why should maintaining your non-computer Windows be any different? Start studying for your windows degree now.
mrbrown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He thinks the new standard for windows should be titanium rivets, and steel bars capable of stopping a tank. You cannot be too safe.
