Latest TODAY column is: No Aircons, No Empire
Excerpt:
Hot! Hot, hot, hot! This is the weather in Singapore these days. Even when it rains, it rains hot water. I check the weather report on my PDA, and it says, between 27 deg C and 33 deg C.
It does not feel like 33 deg C, man! That is what happens when you take the temperature in the shade, as good weathermen do.
Meanwhile, the rest of us have to walk in the #[email protected]%&#* sun, where the temperatures are considerably higher than 33 deg C.
I believe we post these low temperatures to fool tourists into coming here.
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Full column:
No Aircons, No Empire
Hot! Hot, hot, hot! This is the weather in Singapore these days. Even when it rains, it rains hot water. I check the weather report on my PDA, and it says, between 27 deg C and 33 deg C.
It does not feel like 33 deg C, man! That is what happens when you take the temperature in the shade, as good weathermen do.
Meanwhile, the rest of us have to walk in the #[email protected]%&#* sun, where the temperatures are considerably higher than 33 deg C.
I believe we post these low temperatures to fool tourists into coming here. They see the weather report on the Internet or newspaper, and say to themselves, “Hey, Singapore looks ok, not too hot. Let’s go there!” Then, when they get here, they melt into the ground at the taxi stand just outside the airport, where the force field of air-conditioning protecting them from the plane to baggage claims to Customs to the arrival hall ends.
Some of them survive long enough to get into the aircon cab, but they usually wilt at the entrance to the aircon hotel.
The easiest way to destroy our little island, I think, is not with military might or economic sanctions. No, all you need to do is to stop us from getting any more aircons. It would stop our country cold.
In ancient Greece, there was no aircon too. Look what happened to that empire. Now tourists visit Athens to see the ruins of Parthenon.
You can tell there was no aircon in ancient Greece from examining the extensive archaeological evidence we have today. Like watching the movie Troy.
In this movie, there are a lot of sweaty men (no aircon!) wearing skirts, who fight each other a lot, and sometimes, stare meaningfully into each other’s eyes. Just like the Lord of the Rings, except in that trilogy, they were short little Hobbits.
Troy the movie, is based on a very ancient piece of work by Homer (no, not the guy from Simpsons) in 800 BCE. It is known as an epic poem, which means it is very long and boring, and sometimes does not even rhyme. Despite this, it is a significant piece of Literature because it is now a compulsory school text and students have to take an exam on it. That is how you know that a book or poem is important or inspiring.
I am a little upset because if only this movie had come out during my Literature exam, I would have scored an A*. Some have argued that the movie is not very accurate to the book, but it has Brad Pitt in it, and he shows his backside a lot. That has to count for something.
I know my wife and a few other friends’ wives went to watch Troy for this less-than-cultural reason of seeing Brad Pitt sulk and smolder, while showing off his ass. We men, of course, were watching the movie for its historical and literary significance. And also we heard got a few chio bu (hot chicks) and some really good fight scenes.
I think the Singapore film industry should try to make a sequel from it. But localize it like “The West Side Story” did for Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”. Shakespeare is another famous “A” Level writer.
We could call it “Troy 2: Ah-BengMemnon Returns”. It would feature the beautiful Ah-Lian of Troy, who runs away with Legolas, Angmoh sissy son of King Prime.
It starts a gang war where her towkay husband, Ah-BengMemnon, sends 1000 ships and his best fighter, Ah-Chillies, to sack Troy, which is in Aljunied GRC (recently redrawn to cover the estates of Aljunied, Hougang, Eunos, Kembangan, Punggol, Paya Lebar and now Troy)
“Was this the face that launched a thousand ships?” says Ah-Chillies of Ah-Lian of Troy, “Why? The ships see already so scared, ah?”
Ah-Chillies is the best fighter of Greece, and he has this one killer move where he jumps and stabs you in the back of the neck, and no one has yet figured out how to counter it, even though everyone has seen him do that countless times. All his opponents are always caught by surprise when he does his killer move.
He is the one they always send to hunt down robbers who escape into nearby islands of Greece, while the rest of the army looks after the ships.
The 1000 ships, with not enough parking space and coupons, have to park at Pulau Tekong and Pulau Ubin. Some got stuck in a jam at Kallang and the ECP, because the Nicoll Highway was closed. But mostly, the ships got stuck because they had no wheels to travel on land, and the ERP gantries were too low for their sails.
A lot of fighting ensues, and in the end, because they run out of extras, Ah-BengMemnon’s army sends in a big wooden horse (made by the lowest bidder in a tender), filled with soldiers inside who were almost dying from the Singapore heat (no aircon!) and each other’s body odour.
The people of Troy thought the horse (or goat, they could not tell, scapegoat?) was a sacrificial offering and parked it at the multi-storey car park, and all the enemy soldiers came out at night and raided the shopping centres for more skirts to wear, who were glad to cater to the Pink Dollar.
I think it will be a hit, my movie idea. I hope to get some funding for it. That is why I have not made any short films about the censorship board. I want to be immortal, be famous for my edgy menacing films.
“Let no man forget how menacing we are!” I will declare menacingly. Did I mention I am menacing?
“Immortality, take it, it’s yours!” will be my battle cry. I will not be an individualistic and soft young Singaporean. I will be tough and hungry middle-aged Singaporean.
But first, I need my aircon.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He wants Brad Pitt to play him if they ever make a movie about his life. But minus the skirt.
