Latest TODAY column is: Our Uniquely Singaporean Casino
Excerpt:
“I think they should have cock-fighting,” said my mom, in a recent burst of inspiration. She was thinking up the kind of games our local casino, should it come to fruition, could feature, beyond the run-of-the-mill stuff.
“Cock-fighting?" I asked. "Mom, that's illegal here.”
“Ya, but they could use fake ones!” she countered.
“You mean, people will bet on a fight between two rubber chickens?” asked I, hoping she did not mean the other kind of fake cock.
And to reader Angela, get well soon! I am honoured that my site was your pre-op and post-op reading. Wah, nowadays hospitals also got Internet access for patients one ah!
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Full column:
Our Uniquely Singaporean Casino
"I think they should have cock-fighting," said my mom, in a recent burst of inspiration. She was thinking up the kind of games our local casino, should it come to fruition, could feature, beyond the run-of-the-mill stuff.
“Cock-fighting?" I asked. "Mom, that's illegal here.”
“Ya, but they could use fake ones!” she countered.
"You mean, people will bet on a fight between two rubber chickens?” asked I, hoping she did not mean the other kind of fake cock.
Mom was undeterred. She was on a roll now. Other ideas for her Uniquely Singapore, er, Uniquely Singaporean, er, Uniquely Singaporish (never mind) Casino included games like Chap Ji Ki, Pa Kiao, and Mahjong tables.
Her best idea, besides the cock one, was a game that revolved around guessing the weight of a chosen vegetable. Apparently, that was a very popular gambling game in Chinatown in the old days.
I can see it now, people flocking to the Black Jack tables and the Guess-the-Cucumber vegetable stand.
“Come come come! Place your bets, folks! Guess how big is my thick fat cucumber! Remember, you can look but cannot touch!”
Still, her ideas intrigued me. What would a Uniquely Singaporesque Casino look like?
First of all, it had to be a Hub, of course. If you want to be in an industry, you don’t want just to be a player, you want to be a Playah.
Then we will need a committee, or some ministry set up, to ensure that the casino industry has to deal with the same amount of bureaucratic bull faeces as the rest of the industries in Singapore. This is only fair. Why should the other industries have all the fun?
And of course, we will need a Minister of Vice, maybe someone without a portfolio, to run this ministry. He can be the Vice-President of the Controlling and Overseeing Casinos Kommittee (COCK).
Then, we need a location. I think Sentosa is not a bad idea, but there are other options. The Esplanade is a good bet. If the Arts in Singapore becomes an unprofitable stagnant cesspool of crap that cannot find funding from any corporation, we can convert our beloved Durians into a high-end casino.
We will not be able to call it Esplanade Hotel and Casino, because there is already one in Croatia, so maybe we can call it “Singapore Durian Palace”. Hey, if Vegas can have their Caesar’s Palace, we can have our Durian Palace. And with gambling, we may even be able to finally recover the cost of building it.
In Las Vegas, many casinos feature dirt-cheap buffets all day so that you will go there to pig out and then spend money in their establishment. Ours will not have any cheap buffets. There is no way you can run a profitable business in Singapore if you have cheap buffets, because we all know that Singaporeans will eat you to bankruptcy. I remember seeing the cheap Shrimp (which is what Angmohs call prawns) buffets in Vegas and thinking to myself, if they had this in Singapore, the locals will eat nothing but the prawns, and even try to ta-pow some home.
If we think that a centralized casino location is not the way to go, we can have a Uniquely Singaporeanized experience of Void Deck casinos. Think of all the unused void decks in Singapore. Especially the ones in the new estates, you know, the ones where the nearest shop is a feeder bus ride away at the central.
If we can convert some of these void decks into casinos, think of the money we can make! No other country will have such a Unique casino network. The dealers will all be dressed in singlets, shorts and slippers (you know, smart casual) and the “Security” will be called “Lookouts”.
Rich tourists can stay in the vacant unsold HDB units in Punggol and Sengkang, and go downstairs to have a shot at Lady Luck.
Instead of beautiful and sexy women serving drinks and changing money, we will have bored aunties and housewives dressed in their home clothes and nightgowns selling cigarettes and exchanging loud but witty banter with customers.
And no casino will be complete without the grand Show. They have Seigfreid and Roy's Royal White Tigers at the Mirage, so we should have our own Tiger Show (format to be decided). Maybe some out-of-work Zoo animals can apply.
They have major boxing events in Vegas too, so we can host our own Changi Village Ah Gua Boxing finals at the car park next to the void deck casinos.
For concerts, we may not have Tony Bennett or Celine Dion opening here, but our rich tourists can be entertained by the crooning sounds of off-season Getai singers on wooden stages, while sitting on folding chairs set up on a wet grass patch.
And if that does not make our casino the best casino in the whole wide world, there is still the massive draw of my mother’s humane invention, Fake Cock Fighting.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He is very skilled at playing Black Jack and Poker against his Palm PDA.
