As I’ve matured, I’ve learned:
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career / job with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
Sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.