Latest TODAY column: Poetry with swear words
Excerpt:
ONE of the problems with listening to MP3 music that your friends, er, "lend you to try", is that occasionally, some songs that come out of your iPod are, let's just say, not to your taste.
Please note that I am not advocating music piracy or downloading illegal files, because that could result in a six-month jail term and heavy fines under a new proposed law. Plus, I hear that they are considering additional penalties of making you listen to the "Sars Rap" non-stop.
My friend only lent me a few songs to listen to, songs which I had every intention of returning to him right after I sampled them, to see if I like the music enough to buy the album.
So, remember, kiddies, downloading illegal music is bad. If you do not listen to Uncle brown, we will be forced to put stickers of diseased lungs and exploding brains on new computers to deter you. Sermon over.
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Full column:
Poetry with swear words
One of the problems with listening to MP3 music that your friends, er, “lend you to try”, is that occasionally, some songs that come out of your iPod are, let’s just say, not your taste.
Please note that I am not advocating music piracy or downloading illegal files, because that could result in a six-month jail term and heavy fines under a new proposed law. Plus I hear they are considering additional penalties of making you to listen to the “SARS Rap” nonstop.
My friend only lent me a few songs to listen to, songs which I had every intention of returning to him right after I sampled them, to see if I like the music enough to buy the album.
So remember, kiddies, downloading illegal music is bad. If you do not listen to Uncle brown, we will be forced to put stickers of diseased lungs and exploding brains on new computers to deter you. Sermon over.
As I listened to my iPod in the car, my wife was listening right along with me as I drove us to work. The song in question started innocently enough, with a nice beat and the female singer going:
“All you ladies pop that thing like this
Shake your body don’t stop don’t quit…”
Before you could say “Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics”, said singer was telling her listeners (me and my missus, in this case) how to “lick it” (again and again).
I almost drove my car into a tree.
My wife looked at me with a very disapproving look on her face, and said, “Why you listen to this kind of song one?”
“Sorry, lah dear. I didn’t know what kind of song it was when I transferred the song from my computer, this is my first time listening to it too,” I said, quickly hitting the Forward button, and the iPod helpfully played another song, this time by male rapper Nelly, which starts with:
“Drop down and get your eagle on, girl (flap your wings)”
This earned me another stern rebuke. Even with the limited knowledge she had of rap music, the missus knew that Nelly was not rapping about saving the endangered American Bald Eagle.
Later I found out that the song that got me in trouble was called “My Neck My Back”, rapped by Khia. You cannot blame me for not spotting that one, I mean, I thought the song was about poor posture!
And the version I had on my player was already the “Clean” version. I shudder to think what the explicit version sounds like. I must say that the singer was a cunning linguist.
I am sure there are people out there reacting to this news in one of two ways:
Either you are now picking up a pen to write an angry letter to your MP and the newspaper forum page, about how evil music is eroding our Confucian values.
Or you are saying to yourself, “Please lah, brown, you such a prude one. This song so old already. Nowadays they are singing about their sexual relationships with farm animals liao!”
All this puts me in a dilemma. I like rap music, I like the beats, and the clever sampling. The rhyming is, at its best, poetry. I confess I am a Lau Yankee (Old man trying to be hip).
In fact, my little girl likes rap music too. She seems to respond in a positive way to the rhythms and the music videos (I once saw her stand in front of the TV transfixed by a Beastie Boys music video). Something about the beat and the rapping tickles her autistic sensory system.
But why does all the rap music I like have to be about “hos” (derogatory term for a promiscuous woman) and drippin’ and lickin’?
Maybe they can rap about other things, wholesome stuff, like fighting SARS, or doing well for your PSLE exams, or paying your taxes on time.
Ok, maybe not. (can’t… stop… thinking of… noooooo… “SARS is a virus, I really want to minus…”)
Wah lau eh, rap music’s obsession with swearing and sex can be a bit much lah.
However, please don’t start asking for more censorship. There is such a thing as the “Off” button, and parents should manage their kids’ media consumption themselves, rather than whining about why the Government is allowing all manner of evil to enter our fair land.
On the topic of fair lands, some of you may know I just returned from a lovely holiday in Melbourne. It is always an eye-opener when we frogs leave the well that is Singapore, and see how other cultures and countries do things differently.
For instance, we saw many public toilets with syringe disposal units. I am told that it is for the diabetics. I am also told it is for the drug addicts. I understand now why they keep reminding passengers coming into Singapore, about the severe penalties for drug possession here. Some drug addict may approach a Singapore cop to ask where the toilets with the syringe disposal boxes are, only to be introduced to the Uniquely Singapore Rope.
Also, their toilets are way cleaner than ours. We will lose to them in International Toilet Competitions.
I also noticed that on the roads, right of way belongs to the trams, the cows, the kangaroos, and other assorted animals. Cars have very few rights. Not like Singapore, where the car is King (“I paid a princely sum for my car, so I am going to drive it like a King — The King of Jerks”).
“Give way to Livestock” is something you see a lot Down Under. I wonder if the cows come with ERP units to deduct toll charges should they walk on tolled highways. And if they do, do they pay in milk?
Oh, in case you are wondering, they also have Australian Ah Bengs in their Ah Beng sports cars too, blasting rap music about “hos”, drippin’ and lickin’. But they just don’t squat as much as Singapore Bengs do.
Which reminds me, I need to return my friend the dirty MP3 songs he lent me. Don’t steal music, kids.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He wants his readers to know that they can read this column online too, at the TODAY website. No need to register at all.
