Latest TODAY column: Life is getting scary, Mummy...
I am feeling very sad.
Today in school, Zhong Guoren — my classmate from China — beat me again, in a maths test. That boy is an unstoppable genius machine.
Last week, he beat me in sports too.
If he were not here, I would have come in first and gotten a gold. But because the Government says we must welcome foreign talents to increase our population and to improve our economy, I got a bronze instead. This sucks.
Life is getting scary, Mummy...
I am very sad, Mommy.
Today in school, Zhong Guoren, my classmate from China, beat me again, in a Maths test. The boy is an unstoppable genius machine.
Last week, he beat me in sports too. If he were not here, I would have come in first and gotten a gold. But because the Government says we must welcome foreign talents to increase our population and to improve our economy, I got a bronze instead. This sucks.
At first, we laughed at them, because their English was not very good. Their Maths and Science were good, and their Chinese was excellent (but who cares about Chinese language, right?). But then, their English got better and now, they are kicking our backsides in this subject too.
I think we should get the Government to do something about this.
Why didn’t you have more babies, Mommy? I wouldn’t mind having a brother or a sister to play with. I am an only child, and because you and Daddy are not making enough babies, we have to get people from other countries, people who make it hard for me to be number one in my class. I think you are very selfish to just have me, Mommy.
I don’t like to lose, Mommy. I am used to being first in my school. And my school was very small too, like Singapore, so it was easy to be first. Now my school is bigger, and I have to fight harder to be first. Why can’t we just compete with ourselves, amongst Singaporeans only (ok, and maybe Permanent Residents)?
Why can’t they have a new category for all the tests and CCAs? We could have a Best Local Maths Student category and a Best Local Sportsman category, then at least, if I don’t win Best Maths Student, I can be Best Local Maths Student and feel better about myself.
Just like my school is ranked one of the Top 20 Value-added Secondary Schools with a Special Assessment Award for Knitting CCA, I also want to be a high-ranking student.
Maybe we need to have a new category like “Top 20 Value-added Secondary Schools (Got China Students)”. This is because our school has smart foreign students and should be ranked separately to maintain our high ranking. And maybe we should drop Literature as a subject too. I hate Literature, hard to score “A”s.
In fact, we should have streams like EM1 (Local) and EM1 (China and Others). Let the smart China students have their own stream.
I want to go to university when I grow up, especially NUS, because our newspapers say NUS is even bester than Princeton and Cornell in the USA. But I hear there are also many brilliant China students in NUS too.
I don’t want to be having private tuition until I am 25 years old, just to keep up with my foreign classmates in the Uni. Or else I will have no time to meet girls, and then I will be forced to go to Vietnam and Kelantan to find a wife when I want to start a family.
In fact, I am very upset with foreigners competing with us even in this area. All the girls I know say when they finish studying and go to work, they want to marry Ang Mohs, because Singapore men are unromantic and do not want to know how to make a girl happy. So even the Ang Moh is stealing our women.
I prefer to marry a Singapore girl, of course, but only if she knows how to cook and wash, and peel my prawns for me (like you, Mommy). But nowadays, Singapore girls are so fierce, just because they study, and earn their own money.
Maybe that is why in Chinatown, I saw this big Singapore Rooster, and it was sitting on eggs. I think the Singapore Hen left him to look after the eggs, because she had to work and do all the things an educated Hen does.
I also worry I cannot find a job when I am older. My friend, Ah Hock, tells me that his Mommy said all these Chinese foreigners are stealing our jobs and our men (and the Ang Mohs are stealing our women).
That is very scary, Mommy. You told me many China women are in Singapore only to do naughty things, like bluff old men of their CPF money. Once an uncle wrote in the papers that we should catch those foreign women who are tall, have long hair and legs, and wear tight, revealing outfits in black or red and behave coquettishly.
I think we should only accept foreign women who are short, have short hair and legs, and wear loose, covered-up outfits in white or blue, and behave like a man.
Ok, Mommy, I have to go to my Chinese, Maths and Science tuition classes now. If I don’t go, I won’t be able to beat Guoren.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. His four-year-old daughter goes to Special School. It is not ranked.