Latest TODAY column: Operation Buzz Off
Excerpt:
I tell you, army range mosquitoes are Commando-trained and huge. When you lie down on the ground to take your shots, you can hear the buzzing right next to your ears. And sometimes, when there is moonlight, you can even see the big fat flyers.
They are so huge, I swear these mosquitoes do not just bite you. No, not sissy behaviour like that. These guys will slap you around first, then knock you out before whipping out a blood transfusion kit to milk you. And your itch will swell and last for days on end, provided you survive the concussion.
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Full column:
Operation Buzz Off
I hear that the SAF now requires all servicemen to soak their uniforms in insect repellent before going for their field training.
It is good to know that the Army cares for your health. During my time, we used a perfumed spray-on repellant instead of the army issue sticky goo type, and got into trouble because the scent was not very tactical.
You cannot take any chances with the current mosquito situation, I suppose. But it is really hard to avoid mozzies in the field or in most aspects of military training.
I recall going for night shoots at the range, and all of us were covered up with scarves and netting, our sleeves were rolled down, and we literally wore burning mosquito coils on our belts to keep the pests away.
Some of us even smoked just to add to the layer of mosquito defences.
I tell you, army range mosquitoes are Commando-trained and huge. When you lie down on the ground to take your shots, you can hear the buzzing right next to your ears. And sometimes, when there is moonlight, you can even see the big fat flyers.
They are so huge, I swear these mosquitoes do not just bite you. No, not sissy behaviour like that. These guys will slap you around first, then knock you out before whipping out a blood transfusion kit to milk you. And your itch will swell and last for days on end, provided you survive the concussion.
It’s not like the domestic situation, where you can print a whole lot of flyers to tell homeowners the 5-step method of checking for mosquito breeding in their homes. We are talking about forests and jungles here, and mosquitoes will breed anywhere they like, thank you very much.
My home was fogged yesterday and there is another fogging on Monday. I was quite worried for my fishes, because the flyer said “please cover your fish tanks”.
I told my helper to cover the slots with some kitchen wrap, just to be sure, but my wife got worried.
“Won’t they suffocate if you cover the aquarium?”
I assured her that the fishies were fine, because of the massive air-pump pumping air into the water.
“Oh,” she said.
We are also very jumpy now about the kids getting any kind of fever. Faith had a 39-degree fever a few nights ago, at 3am, and we scrambled to sponge her with a wet towel, give her the fever medicine, and apply that blue fever-cooling bandage on her forehead.
My job was to look for any mosquito bites (not that you can really tell that way, but it gave me something to do). Thankfully, it was a one-off thing, and the fever subsided after that one night.
That’s why I am quite pleased that the authorities are embarking on a “search-and-destroy” battle against dengue-causing mosquitoes. Minister for National Development Mah Bow Tan even called it “a carpet-combing exercise".
Wow, that’s some serious mission. I propose calling the pest-busting unit RAMBO: Relentless Aedes Mosquito Bombing Operatives. You want a name that will make mosquitoes tremble when they hear it.
You want some Shock and Awe.
You want mosquitoes to shout (or buzz, rather) to each other when the unit arrives, “Quickzzz! Runzzz! Kah ginzzz! RAMBO lai liaozzzz!” (Quick! RAMBO has arrived!).
In case you are wondering why I am using dialect in my column, systematically destroying the English standards of Singapore, it is because we are dealing with local mosquitoes, who will not speak Queen’s English. Unless they are expat mosquitoes, flown in as foreign talent. I am trying to be realistic here, with my mosquito dialogue.
I wonder how the non-dengue-causing mosquito brethren of the Aedes mosquito feel about being carpet bombed together with their more dangerous relatives. It must be very frustrating for them. I mean, here you are, a regular non-Aedes mosquito just minding your own business, and wham! You get hammered by a fogging unit.
“What did I do?” they must be asking, “I only give people itchy bites what! Not dengue! I am innocent, I tell you!”
But in war, there will always be collateral damage. Innocent mosquitoes are going to lose their lives alongside their Aedes comrades. Perhaps the non-dengue mosquitoes can get together and form a union, and wear some luminous mosquito t-shirts so that they can be identified as non-lethal pests.
Their t-shirts can say something like “Disease-free Mosquito: Do not kill”.
Maybe the mosquitoes can even turn in their evil brethren at selected RAMBO stations, for some reward (a pint of blood?).
It’s a long road (to quote a Rambo song), and we can use all the help we can get. It’s time to bring out the Weapons of Mosquito Destruction (WMDs) and kick some mosquito ass.
Just make sure you soak your uniforms in insect repellent before going forth.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He now checks his house for stagnant water every day because he does not want to be up at 3am comforting crying sick kids.
