Latest TODAY column: Home, cheap home
Excerpt:
I read in the papers recently that 9 in 10 poor Singaporeans own their homes. That is encouraging news indeed. In many other countries, the poor don't own their homes! Unless you count the refrigerator box they live in.
The poor in Singapore must be very excited to hear this news.
Poor Person 1: "Eh, dear wife! We are not poor, leh! We actually have this HDB flat we own!"
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Full column:
A new way of housing the poor
I read in the papers recently that 9 in 10 poor Singaporeans own their homes. That is encouraging news indeed. In many other countries, the poor don’t own their homes! Unless you count the refrigerator box they live in.
The poor in Singapore must be very excited to hear this news.
Poor Person 1: “Eh, dear wife! We are not poor leh! We actually have this HDB flat we own!”
Poor Person 2: “Which we have not finished paying for, dear husband. Which still has 20 years left on the loan.”
Poor Person 1: “Ya! But we can sell the flat and get the balance after we deduct the loan what! Then we will have cash lor!”
Poor Person 2: “That’s nice, dear. Provided the flat’s value has not plunged to the point where the selling price is less than our outstanding loan. And tell me, after we sell our flat, where will we live?”
Poor Person 1: “Oh ya hor…”
But all is not lost. mr brown always has useful suggestions to help get around problems like this.
Remember the people who set up tents at the beach, and made it their home? Yes, they were finally asked to leave by the Park Rangers. But what if we create a new breed of public housing for the poor?
Introducing the HDB One-room Tent. Economical and easy to build, this new model will be available to poor Singaporeans who have sold off their flats because they are, er, poor.
Think of the convenience. You will no longer need to worry about ensuring that your window rivets adhere to the latest safety standard, because there are no windows in our One-room Tent!
No need to worry about spalling concrete, because your One-room Tent is made of a state-of-the-art fire retardant polyester-nylon mix (plus there is no irritating neighbour who lives above you).
No need to worry about maintaining your toilet, because you share the public one outside, with 20 other One-room Tent residents.
And best of all, if you get tired of staying in one location, you can just fold your home up and move somewhere else! New MRT station near your tent not open yet? Move to an area where the station is open!
With conveniences like these, how can you say no to the One-room Tent?
There will be several exciting models available. We have the Beach Front view, the Car Park view, and the Void Deck view.
The Beach Front view collection will be located at our fine beaches like East Coast, Changi Beach and West Coast. For One-room Tent buyers looking for some resort living, we also have a limited number of units on Sentosa’s Siloso beach.
The Car Park view series offers discerning tent dwellers a choice of multi-storey car parks for setting up their dream home. For the budget conscious, we have the Upper Deck scheme, located at the top floor of HDB multi-storey car parks where nobody likes to park their car (pay for sheltered car park but park at open-air — who wants, right?). Sure, you are exposed to the elements, but with a strong tent, you should have no problems settling in there.
Those with a little more money can choose to stay in the lower floors of HDB multi-storey car parks. Sheltered from the rain and sun, dwellers can focus on other important things in life, like walking to the public toilet of the coffee shop 20 minutes away. Just make sure you do not use the Handicapped Lots, because the fine is quite stiff.
For the Car Park view locations, One-room Tent dwellers can choose to pay for their stay by parking coupon (just tear and stick it on your tent entrance). Season parking is also available via GIRO.
Finally we have the Void Deck series of One-room Tents. This is a very sought-after location because of the wide-open space, concrete shelter, and the fact that no kids are allowed to play football here. We even have nails on the wall to ensure this.
The only small inconvenience is the need to move your home to another void deck when the void deck you are staying at has been booked for a funeral or a wedding. Oh, and the occasional illegal gambling den might surface once in a while, but that can be taken care off with a quick call to the police (free at your nearest pay phone).
With fine choices like these, I am sure we will have no lack of takers. So what are you waiting for, poor people of Singapore who own your homes? Cash out now!
Oh, hang on. In the same newspaper where I read the “9-in-10” headline, there is another headline buried inside its pages. It says “Some flat owners can’t afford to downgrade”.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He is also a proud home owner, and he has not changed his rivets yet because his wife is pregnant.
