mrbrown.com

the mrbrown show: hail to the chief

Youtube link: http://mrbrwn.co/19xeS0b

Everyone's favorite minister has a plan for our latest crisis.

Where in the World is Edward Snowden?

Seems like nobody wants to give Edward Snowden back to the US. I guess nobody likes being spied on.

USA: "Hey, we've been spying on your country, but can you give back the guy who just revealed how much we've been spying on you and ourselves?"

Other countries: "What guy?"

Then again, If Snowden had chosen to transit in Singapore, he would have been returned to the US in one shake of a lamb's tail, with bells and ribbons on. And our government would throw in a packet of Hainanese chicken rice.

Anyway, just to be clear, Singapore doesn't have Snowden. We only have Hazeden and Hailden. Oh, wait, Cockanaden and Abuden too.

[Photo via]

Finally, rain… and hail?!

It is hail now, sure. But the Locusts and the Darkness will follow.

Expect a big demand for lamb's blood soon. Don't worry, like N95 masks, our gahmen also has a stockpile of this in anticipation of the Plagues.

And why is Jurong getting the hail but not the rest of Singapore? I BLAME THE DECADENCE OF THE WEST!!!

[Photo by Delia Png at the Singapore Science Centre in Jurong]

The New Haze Index

To reduce the Singaporean "fixation with numbers", the Gahmen has announced that PSI be done away with & replaced with a new indicator, Fewlings.

And Fewlings will be calculated over a 24 week average.

Initial PFI (Pollution Fewling Index) milestones will include:

1. Good Fewling
2. Can Still Go Out Fewling
3. You Want to Wear Mask, Wear Lor Fewling
4. Don't Ask Gahmen For Stop Work Order Lah Fewling
5. Mask is Coming, Mask is Coming, Love Your Mask Fewling and;
6. Look, Muar More Worse Than Us, Ok? Fewling

Fewlings has been deemed a more accurate indication of how the haze will affect the population. Also planned, the removal of the word "hazardous" to describe any haze scenario.

We are N95 Zombies

Singaporeans really cleaned out the supplies of N95 masks worldwide. This was seen in a Bangkok pharmacy by my sister-in-law's friend.

Apparently we also cleaned out N95 masks from Perth, Melbourne, Hong Kong, KL, Dubai, Taipei, Rome, Florence, Manila, Sydney, Vancouver, London, Frankfurt and Brunei.

Singaporeans are such an international and well-travelled bunch. And hardcore zombie shoppers too.

The Envelope

Behold, the power of The Envelope.

我不怕!

An oldie remixed by my friend, Max: 你怕Haze吗？…Haze,有什么好怕!

The same friend said: "I treat you Haagen Dazs!"

Me: "Yay!"

Max: "Open your mouth! Here! Haze 跟 Dust!"

Yes, I have corny friends.

the mrbrown show: Kim Huat tackles the haze

Youtube link: http://mrbrwn.co/17pgWXh

Kim Huat comes home to a very bad haze and takes action.

Dumbass Remark of the Week: "Unless Singapore wants to give us a large amount, we won't consider accepting it."

Coordinating Minister for People's Welfare Agung Laksono is this week's winner for Dumbass Remark of the Week. In a press conference, Mr Lakson accused Singaporeans of "behaving like a small child" over the haze.

CNA: Indonesia chides Singapore over reactions on haze situation:

The minister for people's welfare also said Jakarta would reject any offer of financial aid from Singapore unless it was a large amount.

"Unless (Singapore) wants to give us a large amount, we won't consider accepting it," he said. "If it is only half a million, or one million dollars, we don't need that. We would rather use our own national budget."

ST: Indonesian minister says Singapore "behaving like a small child" over haze

JAKARTA - A senior Indonesian minister has hit out at Singapore on the haze, saying: "Singapore shouldn't be like children, in such a tizzy."

Coordinating Minister for People's Welfare Agung Laksono, who is coordinating his country's relief and response efforts, told a press conference on Thursday: "Indonesian citizens also need to be looked after, there are hundreds."

"It's not what Indonesians want, it's nature," he added.

Earlier, he told reporters that Singapore said nothing when there was fresh air, but complained about the occasional haze.

Mr Agung also rebutted criticisms that Indonesia had yet to ratify an Asean agreement on transboundary haze pollution.

"Singapore is like that. The border issue hasn't been settled, neither has extradition, corruption."

VERY GOOD, AGUNG LAKSONO, COME I CLAP FOR YOU!

[Image via iputan6.com]

Haze is Top Scorer!

As of 9pm, the PSI has reached 290.

PSI 290?! TRYING TO BE TOP PSLE STUDENT AH?!

the mrbrown show: Kim Huat goes to Nanjing

Youtube link: http://mrbrwn.co/141sAB2

Kim Huat goes to China, where the air is clean and where emperors ruled.

NEA nose best

Breaking News: NEA to issue new PISAI index to measure how many boogers you will need to dig out of your nose, based on the current Indonesian haze.

We are currently at PISAI 19, I believe.

[Image by Amy Kong]

In other news, on account of the haze, I shall be holding back the regular trimming of my nose hair. Trimming will resume when air quality improves. Thank you for your kind understanding.

For Fans of the Singapore Flyer

The Singapore Flyer went into receivership just after five years of operations, but we think it may be more useful as a haze fighter.

[image by @evesuze]

Update via Yahoo: Singapore, Indonesia tussle over haze problem

"A ministry official, Hadi Daryanto, also attempted to shift some of the blame onto Malaysia and Singapore, saying their palm oil companies that had invested in Indonesia were also responsible.

"The slash-and-burn technique being used is the cheapest land-clearing method and it is not only used by local farmers, but also employees of palm oil investors including Singaporean and Malaysian companies," he said.

"We hope the governments of Malaysia and Singapore will tell their investors to adopt proper measures so we can solve this problem together."

But Vivian Balakrishnan, Singapore's minister for environment and water resources, kept up the pressure on Indonesia.

In remarks carried Tuesday by Singapore media, he said "commercial interests in Indonesia have been allowed to override environmental concerns."

This Guangzhou cargo handler is Employee of the Month

Youtube link: http://youtu.be/tPzRPga6uDg

You may want to think twice the next time you send your freight via China Southern Airlines if this Guangzhou airport video is an example of their standard of care.

The sheer incompetence and bochupness of the worker deserves a kind of award, I think.

Also typical, the ubiquitous Kenny G music in China.

[via Shanghaiist and the nanfang]

Smog gets in my eyes

Update: The NEA's three-hour PSI reading at 3pm is now at an unhealthy 105. Smokers, save some money and put away the cigarettes. Just step outside and breathe in deeply.

My eyes turned red and teared even as I took this photo.

Indonesia, why you every year liddat?

Don't Play Play, ok?

Ya! You think what? A PLAY-ground is for playing? Of course not!

[Photo at Blk 323B Sengkang East Way, taken by David Tan near his home.]

Update via ST:

"Located at Block 323B at Sengkang East Way, the sign was put up because residents complained that children at the playground were making too much noise, said the chairman of Ang Mo Kio Town Council, Dr Lam Pin Min.

"We did receive feedback in the past from young families of newborn children being woken up as a result," said Dr Lam, whose town council oversees the area where the playground is located.

But the town council has not received such complaints for a few years now, and when it received media queries on the matter yesterday, the sign was quickly removed."

A light at the window

Sometimes, when I come home late from work, I can see the light of my flat in the distance, while I'm walking home from the bus stop.

It warms my heart to know my loved ones are at home. Then my phone picks up the wifi signal of my router, and I think to myself, "Damn, my router is so power."

Semarang 2013: Anything for a plane ride

My Facebook feed is filled with photos of friends off to some faraway land. It is that time of the year again, when families go on their June vacations and the head of the household has to figure out where to take the brood.

After a few clicks, checking airline and hotel websites (and complaints from the kids that they always ended up in Malaysia), I decided to take the the kids, the wife and my mom to Semarang in Indonesia.

I had NO idea what was in Semarang, but hey, the kids wanted to be on an aeroplane so it seemed like a good place as any. It was cheaper than Isaac's suggestion ("New York!") and Joy's ("Paris, Papa!").

My biggest apprehension was Faith. This was a longer flight that the previous one to Bandung so I was worried that the experience may overwhelm her autistic senses. But we made it! Faith was mostly calm throughout the flight and didn't fuss even when we had to clear the long immigration and customs queue at the tiny Semarang airport that probably was not used to large crowds.

After a quick lunch at the KFC at the airport (the kids were famished because we were training them not to order overpriced food on budget flights), we grabbed a cab to our hotel in town (which had a pool, a very important travel criteria for kid-friendly vacations, and free wifi, very important to Papa).

Here, the kids learned a few new lessons, like:

1. Sometimes, the Cartoon Network is in broadcast in the local language;

2. The hotel minibar snacks are off-limits, and;

3. How air-conditioning works.

Wife: "Why is the hotel room so cold? The windows are all fogged up already! Wait, who set the aircon to 19°C?"

Joy (age 7, wearing two sweaters, one of which is my mother's): "Sorry Mommy! I thought the lower the number, the weaker the aircon."

The New Mac Pro: More than just a black toilet roll

The new Mac Pro : It will move you to tears.

The new Mac Pro : A computer you will grow fondue of.

The new Mac Pro : Power for both the budding genius and the blooming idiot.

[Images by @jeffcheong]

OS X Mavericks causes unhappiness

Breaking News: Merlion very upset that Apple stopped using lions in its OS X naming scheme. "I was certain it would be me next," he cried.

"What about me?" said Singa the ex-Courtesy Lion. "I quit my job to be the next OS X mascot! It's unfair!"

Nyan Cat couldn't be reached for comment.