mrbrown.com

CNNGo column: 21 ways to save money at the next F1

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: CNNGo column: 21 ways to save money at the next F1

Excerpt:

When Second Minister for Trade and Industry Mr S Iswaran said that Singapore was in "no hurry" to extend the Formula One race beyond its current contract, and that he would "like to see it continue on a mutually beneficial basis", I read that as SingaporeSpeak for "Got discount or not?"

I don't blame the Government if they are having second thoughts about staging the F1 night race here for another five years. It costs S$150 million (US$115.4 million) annually to stage the race, the Singapore Government foots S$90 million (US$69 million) of the bill (with taxpayers' money) and we rake in about S$100 million (US$77 million) in tourism each year from it.

It doesn't take a math genius to see that this isn't exactly a lucrative thing for us to stage.

That is why I propose we try to find ways to save money for future F1 races in Singapore. I asked the greatest minds of the country to mull over this, with this hashtag: #waystosavemoneyatnextF1

1. @mrbrown: Lose the high-powered lights at the Singapore night circuit. #F1 drivers to drive with night-vision goggles.

2. @mrbrown: Computer graphics fireworks for TV audiences. (Actually, didn't China "enhance" their fireworks for tv too?) (cont'd)

CNNGo column: 35 burning questions for the PE2011 candidates

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: CNNGo column: 35 burning questions for the PE2011 candidates

Excerpt:

When the four presidential candidates were deemed eligible by the Presidential Elections Committee (PEC) to run for the 2011 Presidential Elections, Singaporeans were abuzz with the fact that: a) they all had the last name "Tan" and b) there was actually going to be a contest.

You have to forgive us. We went through two walkovers for the last president and after a 12-year dry spell, to have four guys to choose from is a big deal, even if the role is largely ceremonial.

Hey, the salary is S$4,267,500 (US$3,535,997) a year, so you bet we care about who we vote in.

The Straits Times started a hashtag called #AskSGPresident to, ahem, "crowdsource" questions from the Twitter community. Their top-ranked #AskSGPresident question so far is: "What would you do if you disagreed strongly with the Cabinet?"

Talk about a yawn fest.

So my partner-in-crime, Mr Miyagi (@miyagi), and I came up with our own hashtag for followers to ask the presidential candidates the real burning questions:

"Do you have a burning question to ask the #SGPresident candidates? Give a shout-out to #YoSGPresident!"

Here are some of the gems from #YoSGPresident (https://twitter.com/search?q=%23YoSGPresident):

1. @mrbrown: #YoSGPresident, Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuup!

2. @mrbrown: #YoSGPresident, Where exactly is the G-spot? Does it really exist? (cont'd)

CNNGo column: For one night only: mrbrown lives it up at Marina Bay Sands

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: For one night only: mrbrown lives it up at Marina Bay Sands

Excerpt:

The wife and I had a chance to stay for a night at the Marina Bay Sands (MBS) recently. It was a rather pleasant experience as our room was the Orchid Suite, which is one of their junior suites.

I've never even been to that part of Singapore. It is like another country altogether. There is no MRT station there yet, and no buses that I know of. So we took a cab to MBS instead.

After looking at the iconic building from afar for so long (yes, one of our most iconic buildings is a casino hotel), I finally got to look inside.

The wife wanted to bring the kids along but I told her, let's make this two-day one-night staycation something for just the two of us. I was away in Sydney for a week before this and really wanted to spend a little "us" time.
Living it up at MBS

The view was the first thing that struck us. From our suite on the 52nd floor, I could see the Fullerton Hotel, the Esplanade "durians", the Marina Floating Platform, and pretty much the entire CBD. It was pretty breathtaking.

My wife pointed to the tiny little white statue below and asked, "Where is the regular Merlion? I only see a mini one."
"What do you mean? That IS the regular Merlion!"
"Oh," she said sheepishly, "But it looks so small!"
"We are on the 52nd floor, dear. Everything looks small." (cont'd)

CNNGo column: Manly enough for Sydney?

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Manly enough for Sydney?

Excerpt:

I am writing this on the Manly Ferry in Sydney. I am not sure why the place I am going to is called Manly but I decided that I am manly enough to be there.

Being the typical Singaporean abroad, I could not help comparing prices. And Sydney gave me a lot to complain about.

Do I need to be as manly as these guys to visit Manly Beach?
For instance, this ferry ride was A$13.20 (S$17.20) return. Ouch. Earlier on, I found that meals were A$10 on average.

I am too used to paying S$5 a meal at our hawker centers so every visit to even the most budget Australian fast food joint was painful.

Mineral water was A$3 for a small bottle. Cough syrup was A$18 for a bottle at a late night convenience store. The same store sold some no-brand double-A batteries for close to AU$10 for two.

You get the picture.

Hang on, I need to take some obligatory touristy photos of my ferry ride … Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Ah yes, prices. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: the art of #shitizenjournalism

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: the art of #shitizenjournalism

Excerpt:

The first time someone spotted Transport Minister Lui Tuck Yew taking public transport, it was a novelty (although I am told that he takes it quite often, and did so even before he was Transport Minister. Good on him.)

But really, do we need a second news article about him being seen in public transport again? Will we see a third news report about said minister taking a bus too?

If you notice, the photo had the STOMP logo on it, marking it as a product of what our local papers like to call "citizen journalism" (they run this site for you to submit your, ahem, scoops).

While this photo of our new Transport Minister was fairly uncontroversial, the stuff that shows up on STOMP tends to range from the banal to the brain-dead.

There, I said it. I am going to get angry emails from STOMPers now. But come on, how many times do we need to see indignant "news reports" like:

"Outraged: Man parks car across two parking lots!"
"Video: Old dude walks around his house without any clothes on!"
"Exclusive photos: Schoolgirls seen wearing uniforms too short in public!"
"Scandalous: Young couple making out in the train. Do their parents and principal know?" (cont'd)

CNNGo column: We are the citizens of Singapore and we want to vote

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: We are the citizens of Singapore and we want to vote

Excerpt:

Like many Singaporeans, I am feeling a little empty since the General Elections ended.

After the heady feeling of attending rallies, discussing politics with friend and stranger alike, and exercising my vote as if the fate of the Free World and the Galactic Alliance depended on it, I am left to my old life again.

After the X was drawn in the box, what next?

Once you have tasted the fountain of life that is your ability to vote, you start to think.

"That was great! I actually made a difference in my country's political future! I made them LISTEN, dammit!"

Your next thought becomes,

"Ok, what else needs my vote now? Give me anything! Another part of our government? An Upper House or Lower House, maybe? Don't the Americans get to vote a President, a Senate and a House of Representatives? Why can't Singapore have a few more institutions for me to use my awesome power?" (cont'd)

CNNGo column: On polling night of the Singapore General Elections

Parody image by @alexischeong and Martin Huang

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: On polling night of the Singapore General Elections

Excerpt:

Once every five years, the elections roll around and make me the busiest person on the planet.

Being the Grand Central of elections humor is not a job I take lightly. My wife becomes an Elections Widow as I spend hours at the coffee shop listening to old men gripe and complain and attending rallies to see if politicians will say something stupid (they do not disappoint).

So on Polling Day, at 9:30 p.m., when the results were to be announced, I was happy to spend the long night gathered with 30 of my friends at an elections-friendly shop, to catch the announcements on TV.

We had booze, soft drinks and a big-screen TV. And I provided the necessary side commentary while we watched the drama unfold.

Watching the results with me were several thousand Twitter followers who followed my tweets, both the snarky stuff and the winners/losers info that I got wind of even before it was announced live on air.

Yes, I sent out a tweet about the much awaited Aljunied GRC results (WP beats PAP 55-45 percent) long before it was officially announced. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: mrbrown goes to a rally

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: mrbrown goes to a rally

Excerpt:

Boy, am I tired.

This has been one mad election week. Between writing humor columns, producing my comedy podcasts and videos, and digitally altering a mustache on a politician's photo, I’ve hardly had time to do the things that really matter, like going down to the election rallies and buying a party souvenir.

I really wanted that blue Workers’ Party umbrella for my collection.

That is why I am glad I attended a rally early. On the very first day of the (very short) hustings, I went down to a field in Opposition-held Hougang for the Workers’ Party rally.

I didn’t expect the rest of Singapore to be there. Good gracious, the traffic was backed up all the way to where I live, several kilometers away. People filled the very large open field and by the time I got there, I could no longer see the speakers on the stage, and barely saw the giant hammer party symbol on the stage backdrop.

A young one riding high on his father's shoulders.
An extended family was standing next to me. A man had his toddler son on his shoulders, and the boy waved his toy hammer. At least I hoped it was a toy. I wouldn’t want to be hit in the eye by a real flying hammer should the kid lose his grip.

Opposition rallies tend to attract large crowds every General Election. In contrast, the rallies for the ruling Peoples’ Action Party (PAP) tend to attract a smaller crowd. This is in contrast to the number of seats they have in Parliament -- 82 -- versus two Opposition seats. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: It's election time, baby!

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: It's election time, baby!

Excerpt:

Tonight, many couples will be asking the date night question: "Ai kee rally mai?"

In English, that Hokkien phrase is, "Wanna go watch a rally?"

I am not talking about a car rally, but an election rally.

Yes, it is General Elections time in Singapore and boy, have things heated up.

The wife and I may go to the ruling party rallies because it is usually quieter and more romantic. The Opposition rallies tend to attract huge crowds and are not conducive for romance.

Between Nomination Day on April 27 and Polling Day on May 7, voters will get to attend rallies of all the parties running.

This time, 82 out of 87 seats are being contested, which is a big deal, because traditionally, the Opposition parties would give some of the constituencies a miss because of some big-shot minister standing there, resulting in auto-win scenarios for the walkover wards.

More often than not, the ruling party, the People's Action Party (PAP), would become the government on Nomination Day just on walkovers alone. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: politicians and the perils of hawker center walkabouts

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Politicians and the perils of hawker center walkabouts

Excerpt:

Recently, a lady Member of Parliament (MP), Lim Hwee Hua, was doing her pre-election walkabout at Serangoon Gardens' Chomp Chomp Food Center, to get hawkers there to pledge not to raise their prices for the next six months.

I think it is very important to keep prices stable for the next six months at least, because the elections are around the corner and we don't want angry voters just because a plate of char kway teow has gone up from S$3 to S$3.50 (US$2.40 to US$2.80)

It could all come down to a simple plate of char kway teow.
While Ms Lim was diligently doing her rounds and shaking diners' hands, the newspapers report that a "heckler" approached her and accused her of making her rounds only during election time. She later told reporters that she visits her area once every two to three weeks.

This kind of open hostility must be very unusual for members of the ruling party because why else would the papers dub him a heckler? MPs look like they always meet with love and hugs everywhere they go, judging from the smiling faces we see in photographs in the papers. So this man must be a "heckler". I assume because he gave her heck. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: On dealing with missing pots and flower garlands during election time

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: On dealing with missing pots and flower garlands during election time

Excerpt:

You can tell the elections are coming from the status messages you see on Facebook.

Like this one from my friend about a recent visit from a Member of Parliament (MP):

"AHHHH!!! SOME MP GUY WANTS TO VISIT AND SOME FELLA CLEARED MY POTS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE THEY GONNA WIN VOTES LIKE THAT??? SEVERELY IRRITATED!"

Yes, in all caps.

Apparently, the local grassroots supporters, in their enthusiasm to clear the path for the ruling party candidate to do their house-to-house visits, took away her large collection of potted plants along the common corridor of her flat.

It seems they thought it unsightly.

Her subsequent comments under that Facebook status were also in caps. This coming from someone who says she actually likes the People's Action Party. I think it is now in the past tense. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: Back to basics in Cambodia

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Back to basics in Cambodia

Excerpt:

Nothing makes you wish that the Internet was more mobile-friendly than when you're in a village in the middle of Cambodia with only your iPhone, a mobile sim-card and a spotty connection.

But I am here for some relief work in the villages which is more important than getting my data plan working. Still, this Singapore boy has a lot to learn about kampung living.

For one thing, my homestay has an outdoor toilet. Not a toilet down the hall from our room, mind you. No, sir.

It is located across from our wooden hut, requiring a walk over muddy ground (it has been raining on and off for the last few days).

The water in the loo is clean but not drinkable and has a funky metal smell. So every day, we brush our teeth with drinking water from a mineral water bottle. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: 'Tis the season for a pay hike

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: 'Tis the season for a pay hike

Excerpt:

“Wages up 5.6% amid rebound” trumpeted a news report, as if all of Singapore got a raise.

It looked like they almost wanted to add a “Woohoo” to the headline.

The news report said that the average monthly earnings of a worker in Singapore rose to S$4,089 (US$3,190) from S$3,872 (US$3,021) in 2009, based on earnings figures released by the Ministry of Manpower.

Based on last year’s inflation of 2.8 percent, the report said the 5.6 percent increase was adjusted to a more modest 2.7 percent in real earnings.

This year inflation is expected to hit 4 percent.

I suppose inflation is why the President will be getting a whopping S$890,700 (US$695,000) pay hike. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew and the three magic words

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew and the three magic words

Excerpt:

When I read the headline, “MM Lee: I stand corrected,” I gasped.

I looked around me to see if I was still in the same universe or if I had been moved to a parallel one; I watch too much "Fringe".

I felt the walls to see if there was rip in the space-time continuum.

I confess, I do not know if checking walls is even the right procedure to check for rips in space-time.

Nope, I was still in this world. But there it was, MM Lee Kuan Yew said that his remark about Singaporean Muslims being harder to integrate than the other religions was, well, out of date. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: mrbrown revives bygone Singapore slang

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: mrbrown revives bygone Singapore slang

Excerpt:

It all started with “Tebaboom."

Someone in my twitter feed used this word and immediately, nostalgia kicked in and brought me back to my childhood where we used this word to describe an explosion.

As in: “Pewpewpewpew! Tebaboom!”

It can also be used like this:

“I ate so many chicken nuggets, I was going to tebaboom.”

In some circles it is also pronounced “Chibaboom.”

After the buzz of hearing “Tebaboom” being used, I decided that we needed a revival. A revival to bring some well-loved Singlish phrases and words back into our daily conversations. So in the dead of night, I sent out the word "Tebaboom" under the hashtag #wordstorevive into my Twitterverse, and my Twitter friends joined in with contributions… (cont'd)

CNNGo column: Singapore Budget 2011 aka the Year of the Carrot

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Singapore Budget 2011 aka the Year of the Carrot

Excerpt:

This year, the finance minister, Tharman Shanmugaratnam, announced as part of the budget report, a "Growth Dividend" payout of between S$600 to S$800 (US$469 to US$625) to Singapore citizens.

That was the angpow, or red packet, that we were waiting to hear about. This is an election year when, traditionally, the ruling party dishes out these carrots to sweeten the ground before we go to the polls.

Someone remarked, "Wah, that is quite a big sum. This year gahmen using branded carrot ah?"

"Gahmen" is our warm and affectionate term for "the government."

The election year budget goodies announcement is such an important part of our lives here that it drowns out the rest of the budget stuff, such as incentives for productivity, the Workfare bonus (Workfare is our way of doing welfare without using the word welfare) and training subsidies for companies.

The ears of the average Singaporean probably only heard Tharman saying, "Wawawawa … the majority of Singaporeans will receive 600-800 Singapore dollars … wawawawa.”

Not unlike that sound you hear when adults speak in a "Peanuts" cartoon. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: Children are the solution to so many problems

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Children are the solution to so many problems

Excerpt:

Just when you thought it was safe to go at it like rabbits in the Year of the Rabbit to fulfill your obligation to the State and produce the prerequisite babies that will bring our fertility rates back up, this piece of news comes out.

"Childcare fees on the up and up."

It seems that the childcare centers in Singapore are raising their fees by as much as 25 percent, citing rising rental costs and teacher salaries. So where you used to pay what was already an expensive $800 (US$615) a month for full day childcare, you now pay S$1,000 (US$769).

Ouch.

Of course it's safe for my little girl to be carrying a pile of clothes, she doesn't need to see where she's going.

Is it any wonder that couples are either delaying having children or stopping at one or two? Or even 1.5 kids?

Husband: "No dear, I am afraid we can't have another half a kid. We just can't afford it."

Wife: "But the Total Fertility Rate! It's now 1.07! Our nation needs at least 2.1 to replace itself!"

Husband: "And we have exceeded the 1.07 rate by having one and a half kids. Let someone else make up the other 0.6 kid."

Wife: "But our second child will be so much nicer with an upper body …"

Husband: "The childcare center will charge us a full kid's rate if little Bobby has an upper body. He takes up less space on the bus too, because he can stand instead of sit."

And so the battle over finances rages on in the Singaporean household, in one of the most expensive cities in the world. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: mrbrown and the case of the six billion ringgit ships

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: mrbrown and the case of the six billion ringgit ships

Excerpt:

The arms race in the region is certainly heating up.

Malaysia is set to spend RM6 billion (US$1.97 billion) on six new Offshore Patrol Vessels (OPV). That's a billion ringgit or US$328 million apiece. For ships meant to deal with illegal fishing and smugglers, not warfare, mind you.

Those must be some real bad-ass smugglers packing state of the art heat if you need billion-ringgit boats to deal with them. Damn the illegal fishermen and their nuclear-powered aircraft carriers! (*shakes fist*)

My first instinct was to think, "The ship toilets come with gold taps ah?" recalling a certain Singapore charity that used to have rather expensive taste in bathroom fixtures.

Critics of the purchase in Malaysia have also expressed doubt about the wisdom of the sale, but the navy chief denies the vessels are costly.

I am sure there are many things on those ships that add to the cost. Not unlike those little Perodua Kancil cars that sport spoilers, sport rims and wings, the OPVs must be pimped -- or as we say here, "zhnged" -- to the max. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: mrbrown talks to the stars of 'The Green Hornet' (video)

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: CNNGo column: mrbrown talks to the stars of 'The Green Hornet' (video)

Excerpt:

It's a tough life but someone has to do it.

Last week I got in the same room as director Michel Gondry, Seth Rogen and Asia's R&B pop megastar Jay Chou talk about their latest movie, "The Green Hornet."

I managed to squeeze in a few burning questions about the movie but ran out of time to ask them what Cameron Diaz was doing in the movie at all.

Still, a fruitful time was had by all.

My only regret was not being able to convince Seth and Jay to do a mumbling R&B/rap number for us. (cont'd)

CNNGo column: Singapore's post offices have diversified… into everything

Latest CNNGo.com "Say What? with mrbrown" column: Singapore's post offices have diversified… into everything

Excerpt:

I happened to go to the post office the other day because I had some fines to pay.

Note to self: never be late for anything involving the efficient tax-collecting machine that is the Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore.

As I queued and wondered why the line was long, a lady at the front of the queue completed her transaction with the counter staff and took possession of her brand new DVD player.

I smiled to myself, thinking, "Ah the joys of getting a new DVD player! I know the feeling of buying new appliances…"

Then it hit me.

DVD player? In a post office?! What the? (cont'd)