mrbrown.com

I am Tickled (Rated R21)

Update: On reader request, this post is rated R21 for alluding to a male organ (actually a pair of them). Please show your Identity Card to the Uncle at the door before clicking on this post. Thank you.

Something I lifted from cuiwen's blog:

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy "laughs" when you tickle it under the arm.

A new blonde employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

At 0845 that day, the Foreman from the assembly line begins to complain about the new employee to the Plant Manager. He said that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Plant Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of bright red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Plant Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Lecture Notes and Quotes

Agagooga has a bunch of these quotes he collects from his uni lectures and tutorials, which will probably not get you high grades but will certainly be worth a laugh or two.

The only thing that bothers me is, with all this quote-taking, how does he remember the rest of the lecture, you know, the part that talks about actual subject?

Here are some of my favourites from his current crop:

[On sending email] If you are 'Tan Meiling', tell me you are 'Tan Meiling'. Don't put there: 'Blue Devil', 'Golden Arrow'. I don't know who you are. (won't)

[On class quizzes] Some of you like to do this. Your tutorial is on Thursday. You come for the Tuesday class, you get all the answers, then you come on Thursday.

A student came up to me. 'Can we have more interaction?'. So I began to ask questions. But he did not want to answer questions. I think he just wanted to observe them [interacting].

Some of my colleagues... Oprah Winfrey. Walk around with the mic.

Just nod your head or laugh, so I know you've understood.

Switch off the front lights? Ok. I'm gonna switch off the front lights. I'm also an electrician [not just a lecturer]

I don't know what's wrong with the first row. NUS disease. Everyone sitting in the first row is contaminated.

[On reasons for doing the module] The main reason is you have to get rid of your science requirement... and you don't want to do physics. I fully understand. I also don't want to do physics.

West Berlin. Those were the good old days, when we had a wall. Everything was subsidised.

Apparently some people enjoyed the readings so much last semester that they stole them

[On formatting essays for submission] You don't need to put my name on it, I know what it is.

Everyone thinks that they know about English Literature, so they can talk about it... Science, we are slightly better, we pretend that everything is very complicated.

Can you have science without a paradigm? [Student: No] Primary school: One word answers. Secondary school: Two word sentences. Tertiary education: Full sentences.

American textbooks make the world so easy, but they're very heavy to carry around. Because what can be explained in half a page, they take ten pages to cover. That's why they're so easy.

This is what the private sector does all the time. Con you with statistics. Nowadays, with Excel - very nice graphs... Distract you from the important data.

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

Or 要离婚，你再将我抱出家门吧.

Taking a break from my usual cynical self, here is a touching story that has been circulating via email (or Instant Messenger if you are Korean) by Taiwanese writer Cai Zhi Heng some writer. Full English and Chinese versions in Extended Body link.

And you guys thought I am just a Chinese banana who is the powderful-England-dunno-Chinese type. I got read Chinese one, ok? Some more my wife is effectively bilingual and we sing Chinese karaoke love songs together one.

Ok, so I need English subtitles most of the time, but at least I try.


Excerpt:

妻结婚的时候，我是将她抱过来的。那时我们住的是那种一家一户的平房，婚车在门前停下来的时候，一伙朋友撺纵着我，将她从车上抱下来，于是，在一片叫好声中，我抱起了她一直走到典礼的地方。那时的妻是丰盈而成熟的娇羞女孩，我是健壮快乐的新婚男人。　

这是十年前的一幕。　

以后的日子就像是流水一样过去，要孩子，下海，经商，婚姻中的熟视无睹渐渐出现在我们之间。钱一点点地往上涨，但感情却一点点地平下去，妻在一家行政机构做公务员，每天我们同时上班，也几乎同时下班，孩子在寄宿学校上学。

在别人看来，生活似乎是无懈可击的幸福。但越是这种平静的幸福，便越容易有突然变化的机率。

我有了她。当生活像水一样乏味而又无处不在，哪怕一种再简单的饮料，也会让人觉得是一种真正的享受。　

她就是露儿。

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

Raising Boys, some key points to ponder (or, Super glue is forever)

From a mother at the autism forum I visit:

I thought we could all use a laugh. This is hilarious and true whether your child is autistic or not but in my case so much more true because he is :-)

Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...


Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

World Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!

(via airhole)

A Senior Citizen urges vote for Kerry

Subject: A Heartfelt Story

To All American Voters,

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking time to read my letter.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

Stella Awards

It’s once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas’ are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

THIS YEAR’S AWARDS GO TO:

5TH PLACE (TIED):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson’s Son.

5TH PLACE (TIED):
A man, 19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 - and medical expenses- after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought for because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked. At the time, Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, had been shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1ST PLACE:
This year’s runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles!

Contributed by Clara

GCSE Exam answers that will confirm get you 9 A*s

Supposedly real answers given by 16-year-old British students doing their GCSE Exams last year. (via estpl6 from SPUG forums)

I liked the answer to "In a democratic society, how important are elections?" (A: "Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.") No wonder Singaporeans are not making enough babies, we never get a chance to vote.

Geography

Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q Explain the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky

Q. What causes the tides in the ocean?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

What happens to your body when you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow (He got an A)

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowls, A,E,I,O and U.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie

What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"?
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (For overseas readers this refers to an advert for Fairy Liquid washing up soap - the strap line goes 'hands that do dishes can be soft as your face')

What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

London Tube announcements

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers....

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....’”.

“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided”.

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ...) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home....”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door” “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways”

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage”.

(Contributed by Ting)

Sports Commentary (Extended version)

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.”

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.”

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now.”

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.'

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballestero felt much better today after a 69.”

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...”My word,” he said. “Look at that magnificent erection.”

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: You'd eat beaver if you could get it.”

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playin so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”

Metro Radio - “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.”

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”


(Contributed by Ting)

This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother

Seen at Yew Jin's Weblog
Original Source: snopes

From Athens 2004

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the [2004] Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

(Yes, Nick is right. But they are funny anyway)

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

From a collection floating around the Internet for a while

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised."
(Ian McNail — Football)

"This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh — Horse Racing Commentator)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
(Murray Walker — F1 Motor racing Commentator)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush — Footballer)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(John Arlott — Cricket Commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett — Footballer)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker — F1 Motor racing Commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman — Golfer)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing — but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter - Boxer)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
(John Francombe — Jockey)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables — Football Coach)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
(Noel O'Mahoney, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson — Footballer)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it — you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson — Footballer)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson — Football Coach)

On Tony Adamson's alcoholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up."
(Ian Wright — Footballer)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)

" . . . and later we'll have action from the men's cockless pairs."
(Sue Barker — Commentating on Rowing)

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
(David Coleman — Athletics)

Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that."
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that."

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
(Ruud Gullit — Football Coach)

"Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson — Football Coach)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."
(John Motson — Football Commentator)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
(Mark Draper — Aston Villa)

"There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them — Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."
(David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers."
(Murray Walker)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
(Stuart Pearce)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square."
(Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time — it gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marion Starling)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge, covering The Boat Race)

"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off."
(Brian Johnston)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
('Whispering' Ted Lowe)

"A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin."
(Jo Sheldon)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I'm right behind him."
(Stuart Pearson)

"There's going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
(Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup finals)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad I won rather than lost."
(Frank Bruno)

Our PSC Scholars go to the NDP

Kindly shared by an anonymous Public Service Commission (PSC) scholar studying in an anonymous prestigious overseas university.

Actually, I am appalled at the email. Why they never ask the PSC Scholars to line up two-by-two and hold hands when they walk two abreast to the stadium after having their attendance taken by what looks like the entire PSC Attendance Taking Department?

Education standards must be slipping.

(Names have been deleted to protect the innocent "public officers who are carrying out their duties" so that they are not "subjected to unwarranted ridicule even if it is just for a laugh".)

From the PSC
Re: NDP 2004

Hi all,

just to remind you that the NDP ticket handed out to you last Friday is not transferable and attendance to NDP is compulsory. My colleagues will be meeting you earlier to mark attendance before the whole group proceed to the stadium.

Here are the reporting details for NDP:

Date & Time: 9 Aug, 3.30pm
Meeting Place : Infront of foodcourt in Leisure Park (next to Kallang Theatre)
PSC staff marking attendance : Mr (name deleted), Ms (name deleted), Ms (name deleted), Ms (name deleted) and Ms (name deleted)

You can find out the public transport to the Stadium at this link :
http://www.ndp.org.sg/ndp04/preview/preview.html

Please be punctual.

Ok, so much for the NDP details, here are some administrative details for the potluck party and LKY book:

1. You can collect the " Memoirs of Lee Kuan Yew" from PSC reception (Level 4, City Hall) from Mon - Fri from 8.30am to 5.00pm and Sat 8.30am to 1.00pm. If you are coming for the potluck party on 6 Aug, you can pick up the book before 7pm. Our colleague will stay back till 7.00pm to issue the book.

2. If you are attending the potluck party on 6 Aug, please inform your scholarship officer before Friday. They'll need to submit your names to City Hall Security so that you can access to PSC office. Please also inform your scholarship officer what food you'll be bringing to the potluck party.

Have fun @ the NDP!

Best Regards,

(name deleted)
PSC Secretariat

iPod has a mind of its own?

Tunes, a Hard Drive and (Just Maybe) a Brain
By RACHEL DODES

Published: August 26, 2004, NYT

WHILE Bob Angus was presiding over a summer dinner party at his Upper West Side apartment in Manhattan, his Apple iPod decided to reveal its softer side.

Mr. Angus, a second-year graduate student at Columbia Business School, had selected the Shuffle Songs mode on his iPod, which was connected by an adapter cable to his stereo receiver. By doing this, he relinquished control of his 1,300-song music library - and, as he would soon find out, of his party.

You have been in Singapore too long when...

36 signs you've been in Singapore too long, especially if you come from a Western country:

1. You've lost your sense of irony, sarcasm, and cynicism.

2. You don't know what's lame and what isn't anymore.

3. You think there's nothing wrong with putting chili sauce on everything you eat.

4. You wait for instructions from people in authority before doing anything. Always.

5. You join queues without knowing or caring what the queue is for.

6. You know what "queue" means!!

7. Your idea of a good night out consists of having dinner at a hawker centre, drinking beer, and then going to another hawker centre and eating again.

8. You've lost your ability to criticize people in higher positions than you, even if they're wrong.

9. You think it's okay to have only one meaningful choice on a ballot.

10. "Crossing the country" means taking the MRT tothe end of the line.

11. You have a high tolerance for nagging.

12.Most or all of these acronyms make sense to you: NUS; NTU; ERP; SDU; PAP; MRT; LKY; GCT; PRC; TIBS; SBS; SMS; JB; JBJ; AMK; AYE; PIE; ECP; ISD; ISA; 5 C's; CPF; CHIJMES; SPG; CWO.

13. You use too many acronyms when you talk, or you create new ones.

14. You think that nothing makes a girl or guy more attractive than to dress exactly like hundreds of thousands of othe girls and guys who all dress exactly like girls and guys in malls.

15. You think that S$100,000 [= US$ 57,000] is a reasonable price for a Toyota Corolla and S$1,000,000 is a reasonable price for a bungalow, but S$5 [= US$2.85] for a plate of fried noodles is a barbarous outrage.

16. You believe that not being able to get decent roti prata outside Singapore is enough to keep the best and the brightest people from leaving.

17. You see nothing wrong with forming committees of select elite people to deliberate and study ways to stimulate creativity and spontaneity.

18. You justify every argument with the phrase "in order for us to be competitive in the 21st century."

19. You think everything should be "topped up."

20. You see nothing unusual about an organization of trade unions spending more time owning and operating supermarkets, parks, drugstores, amusement nightclubs, and financial services than planning the next strike.

21. You believe that a lack of land is enough justification for the goverment to do what it wants.

22. You wear winter clothes indoors and summer clothes outdoors.

23. Durian and belachan no longer stink to you.

24. You like to have fun, but not too much fun, since you need to correctly gauge the amount of fun necessary to achieve the optimal result. Any more fun that that would bring shame to your family and your country.

25. You're not confused by a street naming system that locates streets like Clementi Road, Clementi Street, Clementi Crescent, Clementi Lane, Clementi Drive, Clementi Way, and Clementi Avenues 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 all within walking distance of each other.

26. You get irritated if you don't see a sign telling you how long your wait's going to be for a bus, a train, or the expressway to take you where you want to go.

27. You're certain that Holland Village is for hippie bohemian artist types and not for overpaid yuppies.

28. When you cross the border into Malaysia, you automatically and deeply fear for your life and your wallet. Especially your wallet!!

29. No matter what you're doing at the moment, you'd rather be shopping.

30. No matter how miserable you may be here, you thank God you're not in Indonesia.

31. You're impressed by high-rise apartment buildings with actual lobbies instead of bare exposed pillars on the ground floor [such as are found in much government-built housing].

32. You forgot what chewing gum tastes like.

33. You're sure that the best way to change social behaviour is through consistent and comprehensive government-sponsored campaigns that permeate as many aspects of daily life as possible. And when they don't work, you never speak of them again.

34. You agree that what the government thinks of your personal habits and lifestyle should determine whether you get a condo and how much you pay for it.

35. You've become a fan of either Arsenal, Manchester United, or Liverpool when you barely knew what soccer was before you came to Singapore. And you don't care that none of these teams are Singaporean!

36. You think a bus is incomplete without a TV.

(taken from here)

Engrish Signs

Shamelessly stolen from Melody's blog (although I did expand on it by stealing more from somewhere else):


Dry cleaners in Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Arctic River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Fight Illiteracy:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure in Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
IS FORBITTEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.

In another Japanese hotel room:
PLEASE TO BATHE INSIDE THE TUB.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

In a Leipzig elevator:
DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

In a hotel in Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 A.M. DAILY.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In a Japanese hotel:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
LADIES MAY HAVE A FIT UPSTAIRS.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

From the Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

In a Vienna hotel:
In CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.

In a Zurich hotel:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS BEEN PLAYED.

In a Rome laundry:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
TO STOP THE DRIP, TURN COCK TO RIGHT.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP: DRIVE SIDEWAYS.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

In the office of a Romanian doctor:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In an Acapulco hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Tokyo shop:
OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE BEST IN THE LONG RUN.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
ENGLISH WELL TALKING. HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER.

Things We Can Learn From A Dog

Got this from April-Dazes blog.



Things We Can Learn From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
 
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
 
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
 
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
 
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
 
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
 
Run, romp, and play daily.
 
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
 
Be loyal.
 
Never pretend to be something you're not.
 
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
 
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
 
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
 
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
 
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
 
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
 
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
 
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Lessons from being a year older

As I’ve matured, I’ve learned:

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

Sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.

Author unknown

New Oxford Singapore Dictionary

So you Angmohs will finally understand us Singaporeans.

1) LILY - adverb. extremely, really
"Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"

2) VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily)
"Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"

3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley
"Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"

4) CORAL - verb. to bicker
"Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"

5) REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with "You lily want to coral reef me ah?"

6) ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour
"Ah Lian Lily got a bad altitude ploblem".

7) CIRRUS - adjective. certain
"You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"

8) CANOPY - phrase. impossible
"He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money?"

9) OLDLADY - adjective. completed
"Wah...you finish oldlady ah."

10) SUIT - verb. to project forward
"Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady."

11) SOW - verb. to reveal
"Sow me, sow me your new ting."

12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel & tar "We go Orchard Load leh."

13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send
"What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."


Contributed by Michelle

Things you would never know without Indian and Chinese movies

Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies:

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beatings but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.

The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.

Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.

Two lovers can be dancing in the field and suddenly, 100 people will appear from God-knows-where and join them in the dance.

In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy whom he was up against was actually his brother and the maid who looked after him was his mother and the chief inspector was his father and the Judge was his uncle and so forth.

Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are "No Problem!", "My God!", "Get Out!", "Shut-up!", "Impossible!", "Please forgive me!"

They drop down to the ground and roll and roll while singing and leap to their feet in different clothings.

They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyelids and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without getting out of breath.

Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Sword-Fighting Movies:

Being the hero's parents is always unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young and the hero will become an orphan.

When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and being declared dead.

Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.

The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silver with them to pay for their food dishes.

The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.

Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.

They can keep alot of stuff in their sleeves and waistbands and never drop them. Especially a lot of gold & silver ingots.

Read it here

Office Dares

Why not initiate an office dare system?