mrbrown.com

You know you are getting old, if during your NS days...

Update: Hello, new readers to this blog post in 2016! You may also wanna watch Kim Huat's take on his NS Days in this video: https://youtu.be/ZjxSh4bdJMg

There is a delightful thread on Sammyboy.com about how you can tell you are getting old, based on your National Service days. I added some of my own to the list. The Lau Peng amongst you, feel free to add to the list in the comments section. I also added some photos from my Army days in my Flickr below.

You know you are getting old, if during your NS days:

1. You were trained to use M16 and have no idea what SAR21 is.
2. You used an AR-15 before.
3. You used a metal tray for meals, and you had to wash them after use.
4. You were "served" by army regulars (who will show you a f**k face and scold you for not holding your tray properly) during mealtimes in cookhouse.
5. You joked about having ice cream for lunch in the cookhouse... and now they do.
6. Your cookhouse food was cooked by actual army cooks.
7. Your sergeant was simply known as "Sergeant", and had only 3-stripes.
8. You did not hear of any NSman "dying suddenly".
9. You were known as the "second-generation thinking soldiers".
10. You had to do "area cleaning" every morning.
11. You were ferried from one place to another in 3-tonners, not air-con buses.
12. Your 3-tonners sat more than 30 people.
13. You had to queue to use the public phone whenever you have to make a call.
14. Your combat rations consisted of "dog biscuits" + canned sardines + canned pork cubes.
15. You wore dog-tags because you were told to do so and had no choice; not because it was "fashionable".
16. You were issued those cheapo China-made black PT shoes (and yet you were able to pass IPPT using them).
17. You ogled at the canteen Ah Soh with lust because she was the only woman in the camp.
18. You even found the Chief Clerk attractive.
19. You carried the same made-in-China plastic mug for brushing the teeth, drinking tap water, cooking instant noodles, drinking some lame diluted beverage from the chow line, and slurping up night snack.
20. You wore No. 4 uniform that was meant for colder climate and had a rubbery inner lining which caused heatstroke during a 10k run.
21. You wore a WW2 American helmet.
22. Your Skeleton Battle Order (SBO) was called "the bra".
23. Your stand-by-bed had safety pins all under the bedsheet.
24. Your S1 office had typewriters.
25. You wore green PT t-shirts that expanded after a few washings.
26. Your made-in-China PT shorts were all blue and made of very thin material.
27. Your swimming trunks were black and look like tight shorts.
28. Your Ali Baba bag had no wheels.
29. Your Ali Baba bag was a long khaki sack.
30. Your boots had to be polished till you could see your reflection in it.
31. You used a heated metal spoon and kiwi to polish your boots.
32. You know what a Change Parade is.
33. Your name tag was handwritten with a black marker and a stencil.
34. Your bedsheets had a funky smell even when they were newly washed.
35. You got $20 for acing your IPPT, not $400.
36. You zeroed your weapon with a Canadian bull (or k*-n*-n*-b*) instead of an electronic oscilloscope.
37. You were part of butt parties during range.
38. You don't know what ORD is, but you know what ROD is.

Rejection lines and what the girl really means

Found this list of rejection lines from Charlotte's web. The "brother" and the "friends" lines sure bring back many a bad memory from teenagehood. Excuse me while I go to one corner and weep...sob:

Not familiar with rejection lines? Here's what we really mean. So get a hint, ok, guys? Seesh.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that f**king pest. And I'm not into incest either.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest freak I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (He's my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Actually, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have fun with. It's that male perspective thing)

Nerds make better lovers

A comment found in the Slashdot post, "Nerds Make Better Lovers" (via del.icio.us)


HER DIARY:

Saturday, May 21st 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday, May 21st 2005

Apple switched to Intel.

Absolutely gutted.

Got a shag though.

Dilbert quotes contest

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards Executive)


via rx78ntx who got it via Inderjit Singh SOPS (whoever that is, heh)

Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You

How do you know if your boss is actually spying on you? Here are a few starters that might be of help:

Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.

The bracelet he gave you for Christmas blinks if you leave your work station/ cubicle.

Your name:"Ivan." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Ivan"

Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias"

Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.

When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.

There seem to be a blinking red light inside the smoke detector.

The fax machine just coughed.

Shamelessly taken from Ivan's blog

You Are Your Choice Of Poison

What you drink says a lot about you... (via Insaintly Yours)

If Women drink...

Beer

Personality:
Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach:
Challenge her to a game of pool.



Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality:
Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach:
Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Funny Classifieds

Allegedly Taken From Classified Ads in Newspapers:

1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

Signs that lead to misunderstanding

1. In a restroom:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

April Fool's attempt: Nice try but no banana

Nice try, "Mike Landreu". But Uncle is not so easily kena by April Fool's pranks one. Next time try it with an email address that is not Hotmail, for starters.

But a fun read nonetheless. Heh.

-------------------

For Immediate Release (Can be publised freely on blogs and other media)

NEW COMPANY TO BUY SINGAPORE TOP BLOGS

San Jose, Calif - April 1 2005 - A new company invested by top VCs is out to buy the top blogs in Asia. First stop will be Singapore. Known as The Blog Company, it will be commencing negotiations with Singapore's top bloggers in the next few weeks.

Funded by some of the U.S's top VC firms, The Blog Company said that Asia is very big in its plans. CEO and founder, Alex Gayne said that the firm has spent the last few months identifying Singapore's top bloggers. He said, "We have a good idea on the type of blogs that we are interested in Singapore. We have decided on five." The big five he says are Xiaxue, IZ Reloaded, Popagandhi, Mr Brown and Mr Miyaki.

"I think here we have the top 5 bloggers in Singapore. We are not in a position to reveal about our plans with these 5 bloggers at this time but I can confirm that we will be talking to them real soon," said Mr Gayne. He explaned the company's choices, "We are looking for the best. And here we have the best. The likes of IZ Reloaded with 10,000+ readers a day, Xiaxue 8,000+ and Mr Brown 4,000+  shows that we are dealing with high traffic sites here."

Margaret Long, a partner at investment firm First Equities who invested in The Blog Company says that she and others believe in the company's blog strategy. "I think what we have here is a unique company with a unique strategy. Blogs are beginning to show that they are not just a place where someone will write his/her diary but it is more than just that. The Blog Company aims to make this a real profitable venture."

Contact
Mr Michael Landreu
Press Enquiries

Technorati tags: aprilfool, aprilfoolsday

Shit Happens, according to various World Religions

Warning: the following joke is not suitable for people who cannot laugh at anything religious.

via anantya

Taoism: Shit happens
Hare krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: That shit happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens"
7th day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, "Shit happens"
Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again & again & again
Judaism: Oy vey! Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit!
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit

Bad hair day

via Hikikomori at Cowboy's Bar


A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her.  "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

Advice from kids

via Hikikomori at Cowboy's Bar

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. - Hannah, age 9

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14

Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9

Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13

Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12

A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8

15 Words That Should Exist

via Mel's Mindcave

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

3. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

4. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

5. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

6. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the cinema who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

7. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvering for one armrest in a cinema.

8. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press the lift button, the faster it will arrive.

9. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

10. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

11. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

12. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

13. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

14. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

15. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

The right person for the right job

Got this from ngader in Cowboy's Bar:

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right Job? If yes, try this simple experiment.

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.

If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.

If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING

AND last but not least....

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved
- PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.

Things people actually said in court

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.



via DaTaste.com

Tsunami relief work in Meulaboh, Aceh

Photographer Terz spent a week in Meulaboh, in Aceh, as part of a team of 12 sent from Mercy Relief. This is a chronicle of his time there, in words and pictures.

Excerpt from Meulaboh, Part 10:

Somehow, I'm feeling more helpless now than I did while back in Singapore and wondering if there was something more I could do to help. I've documented, I've done carpentry, I've moved mud and dirt, I've made some sort of contact with the people in the neighbourhood. I've tried my best to be an ambassador. Yet, somehow, it feels that I've not done enough.

I was talking to Eddie earlier. He's right: words just aren't enough. There's nothing we can say to let people at home know what we've seen and experienced. At that moment, I remember wanting to go home as quickly as I can and holding my wife for as long as I can and just spending time with my family, friends and loved ones.

There are 11 installments so far: Meulaboh, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

Some photographs in his posts may be disturbing to some. Viewer discretion is advised.

New diseases found in Singapore

Found on mrs budak's blog:

SARS is not our only worry. The Ministry of Health is now asking the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of the following new contagious diseases -

Assma - Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much ass, the No. 1 disease in Malaysia. Civil servants are unusually at risk.

Dialarrhoea - Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile phone to share with them such important information as "I'm now on the LRT" or "I'm walking towards the car." Victims can be recognised by large, twitching thumb.

Meesles - Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets of instant noodles.

Multiple Spousosis - Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips to Thailand, Indonesia, and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men are at significant risk.

Yellow Fever - Compulsion to date Asian females. Very common affliction amongst foreign talent/expatriates working in Malaysia. Also known as Pinkerton's Disease.

Totonus - Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimes depression at finding out one has not touched lottery.

Heavytitis - Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several variant strains: Heavytitis A, Heavytitis B, Heavytitis C and sometimes Heavytitis DD.

Cybertension - Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of internet access.

Dyebetes - A compulsive need to colour one's hair. Reddish brown tints are the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain of blond highlights.

Chicken Tox - Victims exhibit a great need to talk cock. Incurable and highly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may be exacerbated by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially susceptible. Incurable.

Raising funds for Dixon, son of Richard Fong

Update: You can also do a fund transfer to an HSBC account under Dixon's name: DIXON FONG YAN DA.  The account number is 141-385773-060.

If you use DBS banking, the HSBC bank code is 7232, branch code is 141, and account code is 385773060.

(via wannabe)


Many of you may have read about the sad news of real estate agent Richard Fong, 45, who passed away tragically while on his way to Thailand, on a Land Rover relief mission for victims of the tsunami in Krabi, Thailand.

Richard Fong leaves behind a 10-year-old son, Dixon, who is now without parents to look after him (his mother has been in a coma since 2002).

His close friend, KC Cheong, is spearheading an effort to raise funds for Dixon's education.

Mr Cheong was the leader of the second convoy (Richard was the leader of the first). In his words:

Richard was a close friend. At the time of the accident, I was in a different location and had to reorganise everybody and pull everyone together and continue the journey up. I couldn't do anything for Richard, but I can do something for his son's future. I appreciate and welcome your help.

Mr Cheong has already started the fund and contributions have begun. You can pledge your contributions by making out a cheque to an account set up for Dixon.

Please address the cheque to:
"DIXON FONG YAN DA" and include your name, contact number, and email at the back of the cheque.

Post the cheque to:
BLK 3, BEDOK SOUTH AVE 1 #08-833
SINGAPORE 460003

If you need details, you can also email Mr Cheong at kccheong[at]magix.com.sg. Mr Cheong will be consolidating all the contributions made. He will create a list of contributors and contributions, and he will give a weekly update to all contributors via email.

Richard Fong died while on his way to help the less fortunate, doing whatever he could... wherever he would. Now, let's see what we can do to help his little boy.

10 ways to get charged in the Army

From matchboxinme:

1. While on an overseas mission in a land far far away, fall asleep during guard duty. Wake up to discover that two rifles, one M203 and one SAW to be exact, are missing from the inventory list.

2. Agitate your sergeant, thereafter whack him with a chair, ala WWE. The sergeant will kick you back and viola the both of you will be in the same cell.

3. Go on a long hoilday. Do not inform your unit or anyone and keep your handphone off at all times. Do not apply for exit permit or get leave approval as well.

4. Go around bunks and steal packets of instant noodles. The best is steal it from someone of higher rank than you.

5. Have sex with an underage girl while being on AWOL.

6. Drive a SAF vehicle and ram the pillar while reversing.

7. Use vulgar language and threaten sergeant with a knife when the sergeant refuse to let you book out.

8. Assault your sergeant when asked to perform a task and when asked for the reason for assault, assault further.

9. Have "bad parents" that will blow the whistle on you when you are sleeping at home instead of reporting for training.

10. Lie to your superiors about having to visit a relative in hospital and then head on to Zouk instead.

* the above mentioned ways are tried and tested and the accused are currently serving out their sentence in our posh detention barracks

(Thanks to Clement!)

A letter to a bank

The following is a letter received by a major US bank at the end of 1998 - and it was printed by the New York Times.

(That's what most versions of this letter say, but true or not, it is still a fine piece of satire. -mb)

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty. This incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the personal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore, and no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month, I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.